To Pursue or Not

[Arcola]

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas as the day draws to a close. I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my kids and W. It was different given our sitch, but overall it was nice. We celebrated Christmas at W's house and I spent day there with kids until about 5 PM when I brought them back to my house to stay for a couple of days.

Today W and I came to an agreement on how we'd split the finances since we're now separated. Its pretty much 50/50. However, the agreement isn't firm yet and certain things need to occur before we can truly split the finances. Bills have to be put in my name, accounts created, etc. Once everything is squared away the agreement we've came to will serve as a trial to see if everything evens out.

W and I have been separated now for 2 weeks. The first couple of days were very emotional having to see and say goodnight to my kids in another home and then go home alone. The same emotions showed in my W as I saw her cry the first night they had to stay with me. She also cried tonight when they came home with me and she came over to get some of her things. We don't have a set schedule, and its been pretty flexible these first two weeks. The whole separated deal is still emotional at times, but I'll just say its going as good as I think separated can be with kids.

I miss her since we've been separated. Twice I've put myself out their verbally and she didn't reciprocate the feelings I expressed as I thought she might. One instance was me telling her I missed her and she asked why, but nothing came after my responses. The second instance was Christmas Eve and it was late after finishing up presents so I beat around the bush about staying at her house and sleeping in bed with her. Her response to that was I had a cold and upon many other reasons. (This is just a side note, but it makes me wonder how it was never an issue sleeping in the same bed prior to us separating.) Furthermore, after this sleeping instance I asked the question is separated helping us or not since she said things weren't getting better between us living together. Her response was that she wasn't doing this to see if she could handle it or something and that she's just doing what has to be done or taking care of business.

From these two instances of putting myself out there and not receiving what I hoped for really took a stab at my emotions. I'm just like two weeks ago it seemed something was still there between us, but now its like it has vanished. Nonetheless, I realize I must STFU until maybe one day the time/sitch is right. Moreover, despite W not reciprocating feelings, she has displayed that the separation is getting to her on the family level.

Being that we're separated I have no intel if an OM is in the picture. She doesn't seem like it, but what do I know. I'm unable to snoop, plus I told her I wouldn't anymore. I have the urge every once and a while, but it seems to help me overall not being able to.

I emailed MWD group email box to get pricing for IC sessions. I've also finally cracked open Divorce Remedy and have began to read from front to back. I found myself searching for the magic bullet with Divorce Busting and not reading the book in its entirety or from front to back. I've been all over the place with techniques since BD and results I haven't been able to quite measure. I hope to develop a short range/long range plan after reading DR and hopefully seeing an IC.