Card29 VIII

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Card. I wanted to talk with you about a few things.

The first is that I get why you feel as you do about yourself. The person you loved and trusted most in the world, doesnt want to be with you at this time.

The thing about that is this. Our worth should not come from others. We get to define it. Now thats not to say that others feelings towards us dont matter. They do.

^^^Good stuff!!

Others feelings only matter b/c how they treat us, matters. Sometimes we need them, as with a child who literally NEEDS their parent.

But we must not, cannot let others views of us DEFINE us. And once we are no longer children, we must lose the "need" for others approval. Their "data" about is, is not valid. Thus, it can be discarded.

By way of analogy, here's a true story. A homeless man lived on a grate in my city and I'd pass him nearly every morning on my way to work at a law firm. For some reason, that homeless man seemed to HATE me. He'd scream the most vile (almost funny) things at me.

I began to wonder what triggered this response in him. I looked at my conservative "lawyer outfit" and figured it was pretty much standard, I'm not tall or large so I could not have "intimidated" him....point is, I really racked my brain wondering about MYSELF...


one day my boss and I walked by the guy and he again yelled that obscenity at me in front of my boss!! My boss had a great (previously unknown to me) sense of humor and turned to me and said "is that your old boyfriend?"


It suddenly dawned on me that the homeless man on the street grate screaming at me, literally had nothing to do with me. I LET him take up space in my brain...but His "Data" about me was not true.

I'm NOT who he believes I am. Thus, his words no longer had any effect on me. At least nothing negative, b/c I did begin to think the whole thing was hilarious.

You need to ask yourself sometime, if you REALLY are "ugly", "stupid, incompetent, etc" or DESERVING of such treatment...OR any of the odd negative thoughts crossing your mind.

When you are in a healthy OBJECTIVE frame of mind, I'm sure just by how articulate you are here, that you will see the data you are looking at, is NOT real.

It's fear, it's painful EMOTIONS you FEEL, and those are feelings, not factual realities.

Instead of waiting to FEEL better and then to behave differently,

behave differently and MAKE YOURSELF FEEL better. Honestly, the "outside in" can work!

Just as we must act in alignment with our goals, and NOT how we feel at a given moment, we must also see ourselves in alignment with reality and NOT in ways that simply reflect how we feel.

Your w suffers from depression, right? So her FEELINGS determine how her days go.

But her feelings were not in alignment with reality.

Don't fall prey to the same trap.

Make sense?


My mother was an alcoholic. I couldnt do anything right in her eyes. I tried my whole life to get her to like me.

I married a man who was controlling and condescending.

I allowed both of them to make me feel less than.

This^^ is so sad. Yet I hope/believe that knowing this,^^ seeing it, is empowering.

Card, you can CHOOSE to see yourself in alignment with reality , or with however you feel at a given moment.

Hasn't your family, childhood and your wife's depression already polluted enough of your life? You can stop allowing that. It's truly, all up to YOU.




I realized that they were the mirrors I used to reflect back what they saw about me.

The thing is that they were both broken. So what was reflected back, wasnt true.

So, I needed to get new mirrors.

Be the person you choose to be. Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont. But that should always be the goal.

The other thing is that we have no idea what the future holds. None. Anythiing could happen. You never would have forseen this, right?

That's just defeating thinking.

--
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About being there for her. I know that you worry that since you werent there for her the last few years, that you need to show her you are now.

I feel this way. She is telling you she doesnt want to be married. She needs you to hear that. You dont have to like it. But you do have to hear it.

FOR NOW, back the heck off. Seriously. And the only way to do that successfully is to detach

and the only way I know how to detach is to GAL....for real...

I'll post more later. Back off, and trust this process....


You can be kind and compassionate without pursuing. You also need to have her live in the natural consequences of her actions. That doesnt mean you cause that, just that you allow it to unfold.

I know you are concerned about her. But maybe she doesnt get the help she needs because she gets it from you.

When I was depressed, as long as I had someone listen to me, I didnt really need to do the work. I poured my stuff out. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then I was good for a bit.

This doesnt mean you should be nasty. You should be the kind of person you want to be.

^^^
THIS is good stuff!!!