HP, I wonder about saying something like that, but often think I will come across as weak or hypocritical. When we first slept together, I honestly thought that I could handle the emotion that comes with it. I thought I could compartmentalize being physical with H and not getting it confused with what is going on. I think what ended up getting to me most, was when H started communicating that sex was confusing him.
H initiated an R talk a few days after we first slept together and said something along the lines of "I'm taking a risk by telling you this because I've been playing my cards pretty close to my chest. This is hard for me because since we've been having sex, I want to be here in our home with you and S8. I want a R do-over." When he said this I didn't say much and tried to validate when I could. We slept together a few more times until he came to me and said he didn't want to be physical anymore because he didn't want us to keep hurting each other. He said I was the best person he knew and he would do anything for S8 and I. I asked him that if it was true, to have faith in us. He said he was thinking about it but that he "couldn't go back on all of this." A week later we slept together again.
Seeing him waver gave me hope again and I think that's what started to blur the lines for me. Up until that point we hadn't been physical and H had been pretty much out of the picture. Than bam-- the day he files for D he shows up at our house and we ML. I guess a part of me was hoping the sex would add to his confusion.
Tuesday night though, there was no tenderness like there was before. H did say things like "let's go slow, and I love having sex with you". But honestly, I think he's just lonely. He's not ready to let me go but he doesn't want me either. It's a tough place for me to be. Because I'm still holding on.
I have a feeling that with his coldness and need to reinforce the lack of feelings or possibility that sex changes anything means he isn't going to have faith in us or even finish the conversation we started about going to MC. I think he is buying his time through the holidays and going to blow off all of our previous talks by hitting me D papers. If that's the case, then I will be ready to completely go dark. My H is a good person, he has a good heart. But he also avoids conflict, and when it comes to ending our marriage, I deserve to be communicated with instead of just have my feelings pushed aside. Especially when he's been sending me so many mixed signals.
My IC says the same thing. H is confused and selfish. And his behavior is down right crazy.
He keeps talking about how he's so "committed to the path he's on." If I hear that one more time, it will be hard not to say "I hurts me that you're more committed to this "path" than to our marriage."
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
