So H was here till about 4pm. He parked himself in a chair for most of the day. At least it wasn't the chair he always sat in before he moved out. Devoted himself to the kids. Spoke to me a very little. Didn't help with food or clean up. hesitated like he wanted a hug as he left but I didn't take any notice.
I didn't give him anything. But I did direct D11 to choose a gift for him that he'd been excited about during the summer and he seemed to like it. Boys gave him gifts of their choice which were nice. And I made sure there was stuff for his stocking.
I didn't get my perfume after all. He gave me this funky Buddha activity. The box says "master the art of letting go." That was unsettling at first but I think it was meant to be just a relaxing activity. Also a very very cool book that I was happy he'd remembered.
Owing to holiday prep I've gotten three hours of sleep the last two nights so I actually fell completely asleep on the couch two different times today. That never happens. I could sleep now.
Today was polite but distant. The most time I've spent with him since he moved out. There were a couple of moments when I would have liked to have made things a little closer, but then I thought of him and OW (and caught him texting when I woke up from my naps) and I thought, well, that would be pursuit and I'll just let him walk this path without me.
It was a weird Christmas but better than last year. And now I have most of a year to move closer to a great Christmas in 2015.
One of the plot points of the Doctor Who episode I'm watching turns on CyberDanny's emotional inhibitor being activated and the Doctor's fear that it will make him forget he loves Clara and kill her. It's resolved when the Doctor remembers, "Love is not an emotion. Love is a choice." And then Danny saves the world.
I've been wrestling with what to do with that observation. I think the only thing to do is to choose to love myself.
Merry Christmas, cyber friends!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
