Life 2.0 Pt 3

[NH115]

Just had a few moments, thought I'd check in with a little journaling.

Christmas went well, we all got along, the kids loved their presents, we had a good time. We're going out of town to her family tomorrow, which is fine with me. I love her family; only MIL and SIL know anything about our sitch.

W has been warm and affectionate, she's framing pictures of us and talking about things to do to the house in the future. No mention of OM in a couple of days. I don't know how much of this is genuine and how much is just keeping things peaceful. She wears her emotions on her sleeve so I tend to think that she's mostly genuine. But I still have that doubt...

Ironically, when she's like this, it's all I can do not to be a WAS myself. I keep things upbeat and friendly, but I seethe inside. How can she be so friendly and affectionate and yet still not apologize for her actions? How can she possibly think that meeting OM next month is a good idea for our marriage? I think about telling her it's over and pulling the trigger on our marriage myself. I'm sick of this roller coaster. I want off.

I went from home to college to marriage without breathing. I want to build my own life the way I want it. I want a woman who doesn't look at me like she'd be happy if only I wasn't in her way.

I met someone last week. She's beautiful, funny, smart, ambitious and a free spirit. She seems to light up when I see her and god knows I light up. We laugh and talk easily together. She works in my building but we don't work closely. She's single and lives less than two miles away. I feel good just typing these words.

And I know how dangerous that is. It's exactly the way my W feels about OM. It's twice as dangerous for me because she's so accessible. I now get how my W fell into that trap. She felt dead inside and met OM and it woke her up emotionally and sexually. I've felt dead inside for a long time too (not just since BD) and meeting this woman did the same thing for me.


I'm not going there, that's why I write here. She knows nothing about our sitch. I'm not opening that Pandora's box with her. I don't communicate with her outside of work. I'm sure a good portion of my feelings right now is my own loneliness and lostness talking.

I'm not starting an A with her. That would make me as bad as my W and OM, and would unnecessarily hurt this other woman, which I definitely don't want. I'm trying to look at it as a sign from the universe that I'll be fine even if my W never comes back.

But God, she makes me feel good.