barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

NAJ - it seems like we just may be married to the same person - whodathoughtit?

I just don't know what she is thinking - her family used to be so important to her - she says the kids are still her life - she just doesn't see what she is doing. At one time I asked her about her self respect and accepting being OMs OW and how she could lower herself to doing that to herself - I know it was judgmental (pre-dbing). She said she would never want to be that. HMMMM.

early in my saga she actually said she was entitled to all of what she is doing. She justified it all as it is her time to be selfish and do what she wants. She chooses herself.

[HeavyD]

The funny thing is that we all get to make choices about what we think is "best" for us. The WAW's decisions in their minds are the "best" even though we clearly don't understand. That's why they are so confident in their decisions, because this is what is "best" for me now! I am being brave and noble choosing my path because it's the truth for me blah blah blah..... Even though it causes so much pain for everyone involved, this is what's best.

So cliche right?

[T-Mom]

Do you really think they think they are being noble? I hadn't thought of that. That is incomprehensible to me.

[okjpc]

NAJ,
My IC says she is completely baffled by my WAW's actions the past few months, but thinks that my W sincerely believes that she did the right thing by leaving and offering NC. My IC also thinks that every one of us in the family, including my W, SS, SD, is better off together, but my W is locked into some narrow way of seeing things.
It's bizarre.

[HeavyD]

I agree that it's incomprehensible, it sickens me but I believe our WAW's think they are doing the "noble and honest" thing. AFter all they are justifying their emotions and living their "truth".

Is it rationalizing on their part to assuage their guilt or pain? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, all I know is that it not rational.

My WAW is deeply embedded in her affair "soul mate" partner and declares love and longing. They have known each other 4 months. Oh well.

NAJ

[T-Mom]

It is all just so confusing to me, and we have to just detach.... the Holidays make it more difficult, right? So, if that's the case, then it will get a little easier soon....right?!?

[u-turn]

Things will get better - they have to.

Boy this christmas was different than ever before.

S20: followed through with his threats and never came home. Never talked to me but has had text conversations with W & S17. He has lied to us about everything in the last 6 months and is blaming W & I. He told W that she is manipulative and always has been and apparently he said I just let it happen. I'm not sure where to go with this - I feel like I should let him go (for as long as he wants) and see if or how he returns. (W is more reactive and wants to cancel all of the things that we provide for him - immediately). (She won't look at herself the same way)

S17: thought everything was good with him - but caught him smoking again. He has lied to me too about many things. He says he cannot stop smoking and blames it on our family. I am taking him out to have a heart to heart with him. Grounding and punishment are not the answers this, this is bigger than that. I put dealing with that on pause until today

D14: She has shut down because she sees the trouble W & I are having - and no amount of fake family fun can hide it. W is taking her to return some clothes and lunch and heart to heart.

We do not have a plan in place for what we are telling them and are not speaking enough to come up with a plan - I think we will focus on family not mom & dad right now.

We are trying to get through this, but I think we can no longer cover the reality of what is happening and what is going to happen.

Good and Bad things (I am trying not to focus on bad, but I will list)
- christmas eve dinner (me,W, S17, D14), Very nice to be sitting together, great food, we tried to make it all normal and fun. W makes a short toast and says individually to the kids that she loves them. She then mouthed that she loved me (this really pushed me over. My eyes welled up and she saw it (I don't know if the kids saw it) - she knew that it hurt me to see that right now - I wanted to ignore it, but lost control of my emotions a little - and I don't know why, but I mouthed it back to her. (the next day I told her that I was). I recovered quickly with a joke to the kids and we made it through dinner.

I sat with the family for a short time and the kids went to bed. I went to wrap some presents and to watch TV (no interaction with W, but this is our normal night).

Christmas morn - all good, a little awkward and tense because of S20 - (and really the absence of Ws family who usually all come over on christmas morn. W has alienated them and we will not see them - I guess). Kids had fun opening presents. My thoughts were that this is the last time.

Christmas evening - 4 of us went to my parents, had dinner, exchanged gifts. W was removed and not comfortable. I was extra talkative and fun with nieces, kids and brother. I don't get to see my brother too much and it was good to talk to him - had some one on one time with him.

I almost opened up to him about the troubles we are having, but held back. I feel good about that now. (W walked in on us and I think she assumed I was telling him about us - She left quickly. I almost never talk to him alone - we've never communicated very well.) He has gone through a rough divorce and is completely broke now because of medical bills and child support. He just cannot get ahead and his XW is taking him to court again.

Fun point - got into a wrestling match with S17 (he's out of my weight class) and I fractured a couple ribs. W was very annoyed by this - (Just having a little fun). I was livening up the place, diverting the negativity that was starting, having fun with kids - I tend to do a little clownery at my family gatherings when things are going sour.

I felt a better connection with my parents, brother, and nieces than I have in a long time.

W laid down and slept for a couple hours - removing herself from any interaction. She did this at thanksgiving too. I made no excuses for her. I wish she hadn't come, but that would have left me explaining things to everyone and I didn't want to deal with that.

Weird night

I am still resolved that this cannot continue as it is. I know that I should not bring it up to W, but we need a plan and she needs to know that I will not remain in this open marriage. I think she knows it, but she won't do anything about it.

[T-Mom]

u-turn,
Christmas was strange here, as well.... I think it is our last Christmas together as a family too. That is a horrible thought to have on Christmas, but I had it all day long. This pain is too much.

[u-turn]

As the world keeps turning...

S20 came by the house today, grabbed his belongings and moved out. Didn't say a word to me or W. It's upsetting, but it's his decission. We still cover a lot of his expenses so we have to figure this out. W wants to imediately cancel everything we pay for. I want to let it sit for a while.

S17 has been given many lectures about smoking. W was giving him info about addiction, brain chemistry, and making bad decisions. hmm

More later. Gotta run and get d14.

[u-turn]

W has been pretty sick all weekend and has slept a lot - she's been sick a lot lately - I wonder if it's because of being run down by this stress. I usually take care of her when she's sick and it saddens me that I cannot. It really makes me realize the impact of all of this.

In one of my only statements to her that was not relating to the kids this weekend, I did tell her this. I told her that I still care about her and it is hard to not be able to do what I would normally do for her.

She teared up and held my hand. I stayed for a minute with her and then left with the kids. (had a good time with kids at the animal shelter)

Last night I asked W last night when would be a good time to start addressing what is going on with us. I was not expecting to talk then, but wanted to let her know that I wanted to address this soon.

She said tomorrow.

I don't know if this will happen, but I need to prepare myself if it does. I will be reading a lot today, trying to understand the real impact of every word that has been scripted here. - but I know I need to stop obsessing over this too.

This could take so many directions, but I do not want to just put our heads in the sand and ignore it. I cannot do this any more. I need to stand for myself but still want to stand for us.

The kids are putting some real-life stress on us right now, and I feel that this is just life. Something that we could easily handle - I am always up for that challenge. But I wonder if she's thinking of her green grass life somewhere else.

I could use some help today.