Responding the to request for a woman's perspective. It's hard to directly answer your question about whether a woman would return to a M when she felt like that. We are all here because we hope our W/H will change their mind. So I want the answer to be a big fat YES! For you, me, all of us.
The letter is hard to read - I'm sure it breaks your heart now to know that she was in so much pain. I'm with Wonka though, there's a lot that she's responsible for that she doesn't acknowledge. Based on her actions with the video I think she has probably relied on other-validation rather than self-validation for a lot of her life in order to feel good about herself. She's the victim in that letter, and only part of that relates to you. Actually - at one month pre BD - I think this was part of the WAS script, trying to pin things on you and make you feel bad. Many of us could have received that letter.
Great that you've stopped the criticism.
The other line that stands out to me is the one about her need to be understood and reference to the fact that you don't. That's a cue to you to develop your active listening skills and validate, validate, validate. Not just while you are DBing, but always.
Words of affirmation is one of my LL. I think this is one LL that doesn't conflict with DB approaches because you can still do all this while showing you are moving on with your life, with or without her. Find opportunities to praise her, to say things that make her feel good about herself (in a sincere way of course). Note the link between this LL and my comment about other-validation above, also the quick move to OM; she feels good about herself when other people make her feel that way. It doesn't have to be over the top. Might be as simple as verbally acknowledging that she is competent at something, that you know she can handle something because she is good at it etc. might feel odd to you, but on this side of it I can tell you it feels GOOD! Being kind to her also fills her tank (as you noticed) and so I agree that a hardline approach is probably going to work at cross purposes in your situation.
Hope this helps.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
