You may recall that before H came over on Halloween, I asked him to treat me like I was the most important (adult) person there, and he agreed to do so. (If he had not, I would have asserted a boundary and asked him not to come.) This time, I decided to just "accept the gift" of his presence and not to try set any expectations ahead of time. Of course, we each had some unspoken expectations that we assumed the other was aware of. For example, I knew my H would not want to engage in any R talk during the holiday. And I assumed my H knew that I would need some physical touch in order to feel cared for.
H came over at about 8pm last night. We had a little dinner of frozen appetizers (Xmas Eve tradition) and D7 opened one of her presents (pajamas and a robe -- she was SO EXCITED about the robe, it was adorable). After D7 went to bed, we set up her Santa presents together and cleaned up from dinner. We headed to bed around 11pm.
This was the first time we'd slept in the same bed in almost six months. During the S, we've had sex, cuddled, laid down together and talked, etc. but we've not spent the night with each other.
My #1 fear: We would lay down in bed and H would make no attempt to touch me. Basically, he's there, but I'm still alone. I really thought there was no way that he would hurt me like that on Xmas Eve.
His #1 fear: We would lay down in bed and I would start a long R talk.
And of course, we managed to trigger each other's #1 fears. What could I have done differently? I suppose I just could have laid there and felt neglected again, tried to tell myself that he's trying and not to assume the worst, all the while building up resentment that's going to manifest itself anyway at some point. But you know what? I'm so tired of making excuses for why I'm being treated poorly by someone who claims to love me and claims to want our marriage to work. I'm just out of patience with that particular task. Really, I just want to know the truth. Are we really working on this? Or am I just being placated until he's ready to drop the next bomb?
So, I said something. I don't even remember exactly what I said. I think I asked him if he came over to spend Xmas as friends or as spouses. But really, anything I said would have gotten the same reaction he gave me, or worse (according to him) -- a big sigh, followed by "I knew this was a bad idea" and "If you keep this up, we will never spend another night together again."
We ended up talking in circles for 2 hours. Toward the end, I brought in our conversation from last Friday -- the one where we talked about forgiveness and he apologized for one of my unresolved hurts. During that conversation, he'd told me that if I was upset, he would reach out to me instead of turn away, that he would never let it get to "that point" again. Last night, I told him that if that was true, this was a time when he needed to reach out for me. Finally, he asked me what I needed and to his credit, he did what asked (apologize and hold me). I asked him if it was real, and he said yes. He asked me what I needed to know that it was real, and I said that I didn't know, but it would help if he apologized again tomorrow. And he found a moment to do that today.
We did have a pleasant day today and didn't seem to hold the previous night against each other. He asked to go to lunch tomorrow, which was unexpected. We'll see what happens next.
Toward the end, I brought in our conversation from last Friday -- the one where we talked about forgiveness and he apologized for one of my unresolved hurts. During that conversation, he'd told me that if I was upset, he would reach out to me instead of turn away, that he would never let it get to "that point" again. Last night, I told him that if that was true, this was a time when he needed to reach out for me. Finally, he asked me what I needed and to his credit, he did what asked (apologize and hold me). I asked him if it was real, and he said yes. He asked me what I needed to know that it was real, and I said that I didn't know, but it would help if he apologized again tomorrow. And he found a moment to do that today. 