Feeling incredibly frustrated. H hasn't seen S8 in a week. H is working on Christmas and then going out of town for IDK how long, and today on his day off he hasn't tried to see S8. I have no idea how someone who calls themselves a dad could act like this. On one of his only chances in 2 weeks to see his son, how can he spend his free time doing something other than, well, seeing his son. S8 has been waiting for him to call all day and as it gets later and later I am getting more and more angry.
With Christmas so close and this being so hard on S8, I am really really upset. It makes me feel like he is just an option and not a priority. I don't want to bring this up bc I know it will cause a fight, but seriously? My kid deserves some consistency in his life. Not another dad who chooses to come and go as he pleases.
I am not sure why you have these expectations?
You did not break him and you can not FIX him.
He is quite broken right now and incapable of loving himself, much less YOU or your son. LET GO.
Incredibly tough for you and S. This shows you H isn't thinking straight So sorry this is happening but nothing you can do. Detach and look after S Give him the very best Xmas possible ( I'm sure you will anyway). Take care. Rd
I could help more if you answered some of the questions that I asked. I need a clearer picture of what happened here.
As for his crummy behavior to your son...lots of biological parents go AWOL too when in crisis. But your H was awfully young when he took on step parenting your child. When you look at it honestly, does it seem like he really was committed to that role? Did he ever talk about adopting your son? Or is it possible he was just playing the role in order to be with you? Maybe you wanted him to be a dad more than he did?
Merry Christmas!!! I know I haveposts to respond and will later this day but quick question: H got my two gifts ( a book and some new headphones) since I've been running and reading a lot. I didn't get him anything though bc I didn't want to pursue and bc I didn't think we were exchanging gifts. Now I feel like a jerk. What should I do?
H even commented last night and said " do you feel like a huge jerk for not getting me anything?" Ugh!
Thought about sending a text apologizing and thanking him for making an effort with S8.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Hello Faith20. I wouldn't get a gift and and wouldn't apologize. Even though his gifts were nice... that is really the least he can do right now considering what he's putting you through. Your H has a lot of nerve asking if you feel like a jerk. I would say he is manipulating you so he can feel better. I might say... "Do you feel like a jerk the way you've been behaving?" That's me. An even better response is "Really?" and then nothing else.
No text apology then. But maybe I would send a text saying "Appreciate your help with S8" in response to a text from him. Wouldn't that be much more than enough?
My S11 got my W to get me gifts... a bottle of Sriracha sauce and a bottle of BBQ sauce. Just regular grocery items. They were in the store and S11 thought of me. She gets nothing from me.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/25/1404:16 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I went ahead and sent a text anyways-- ugh. I wrote "Hey, I just wanted to thank you again for the ear phones and book. They're great and I know I'm going to love both. I'm sorry that I didn't get you anything. I assumed we weren't doing gifts and I feel like a total jerk. But I want you to know that I so appreciate the thought. And also that I'm so grateful for how good you are to S8. I'm not sure if you hear it enough, but thank you for all that you've done and all you continue to do. Being a dad is the hardest job in the world and you've taken it on with so much heart. It will never go unnoticed or unappreciated. You're a good man and S8 is so blessed to have you. Merry Christmas "
This whole thing is so hard bc one of his biggest complaints was that he felt unloved and unappreciated.
All I got back was "thanks sorry I left my gifts from him there. Merry Christmas"
I feel so low. I've been a mess all morning. This was supposed to be the best Christmas and instead it's the worst.
Last edited by Faith20; 12/25/1405:19 PM.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Hi Faith, I have read through most of your thread and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Like everyone else here, I was there too, once. It was not easy.
You are going to hear this one million times, and it may not click for you until the one millionth time (it didn't for me!), but I want to remind you of something. You did not cause this and you cannot fix it. You are still looking to your H all the time, having expectations, and trying to control him with your behavior. Nothing you say or do is going to change how he feels or what he does. What you need to do now, Faith, is stop looking to him and take care of yourself. Move forward with YOUR life. Someone told me this, and it was very hard to take, but it really helped me once I accepted it: your H does not want to be married to you right now. Accept that. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, but right now that is your reality. What does that mean? It means you need to figure out how to live your life without him. And still be happy.
I think that you sent him that text because you expected something in return - is that right? (I know because I did that kind of stuff a whole lot early on.) Why did you tell him he is a good man? Is he a good man? Would you feel the way you do if he was a good man? Would a good man ask if you feel like a jerk for not getting him a gift? Why are you rewarding him for his crappy behavior? It is not helping you.
Remember what I said above? You cannot fix this. Your H has his own issues to work through, on his own. You need to leave him be and work on YOUR issues. Are you in IC? If not, I would highly suggest it. What are you doing to GAL? What are you doing for you, that has nothing to do with him? I know it's incredibly difficult, but if you start to focus on you and your S8, and NOT on your H, I promise you will start to feel a lot better.
Faith, I have been where you are. I know you probably want me to say that my H and I reconciled. We didn't. But you know what? It worked out better this way. When I was where you are, I couldn't fathom that there could be an ending that didn't involve reconciliation where I would be happy, but I was so wrong. I am MUCH happier now.
I don't know if you and your H will reconcile. What I do know is that you need to be responsible for making yourself happy, regardless of what happens with your H. It is not easy, but you can do it, I promise.
((hugs))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
If I can hijack this message, this applies to me to me. This is worst Christmas I have ever experienced. I took my kids to church because she asked me to, it SUCKED. My wife came over this morning drop the kids off and some presents and it SUCKED. She could not wait to leave. Her phone texts that I snooped like an idiot were full of love and longing from her AP. This SUCKED and almost screwed my whole day. I am forcing myself to stay out of bed and rake some leaves just to stay active.
My wife is dead to me now and I have to accept that reality. Anything I do or say is wrong and I am the enemy. This blows, but I accept that my wife is very broken right now. There is nothing I can do to stop her free fall, only protect myself and my two beautiful children.
I am praying to God for strength to get through this intact.
H is still insisting that I leave the house. He hasn't said those words or asked me when I'm moving out in a while, which is nice bc he was asking me every week. But he still makes subtle hints about it: i.e. he talks about plans he has for the house which don't include me. Or he'll make comments about how hard it's been living in his car.
I'm sure the pressure will be put on again after the holidays. Part of me thinks he is just waiting for the holidays to pass.
Living with relatives isn't an option unfortunately. My dad is a jerk and would tear me down on a daily basis if I moved in there. My mom undermines me as a parent and would destroy my relationship with S8. Moving in with either would be a huge price to pay in order to save money. H knows this and hopefully understands. Who knows though...
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
H never gave me a clear reason in the beginning. Over the last few months I've heard these:
- he gave me everything and I gave him nothing - the wedding got out of control and I got caught up in it and didn't care what he wanted - problems with his brother and family - I didn't clean the house or take care of anything - I'm negative - I don't have good relationships with other people - he wanted "more" - we had "ugly" fights - I didn't make him feel loved or appreciated - I didn't ever take his advice or respect his opinion - I didn't like his friends - I complained he worked too much
I think the reason it came after the bachelor weekend was because it finally hit him that our "wedding" was so close and he felt trapped. I think he felt like his life was over. He had made a comment to friends in front of me the week before about how he had a kid, a dog, and was getting married so his life was over. It was a very weird comment to make, even our friends thought so.
I also think maybe his brother or mom said something to him. They both have never supported our relationship or really cared for me, and I think this weighed on him.
The secret wedding was H's idea. He said to me at dinner one night that he knew he wanted to be married to me, and that I didn't matter if it was a week from then, tomorrow, or 8 months from now, so we should get married and put Hunter and I on the insurance.
Everyone says the same thing-- that something doesn't seem right. That H was always a family man and we always looked so in love. That this B came at such a weird time and it makes no sense that he walked out and doesn't even want to talk or try to work things out. I don't think there is another woman bc H isn't like that, but something happened.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
