a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Hello all. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.

Last night, I went to pick up S and W was already mad when I got there. The first thing she asked was about what we were going to do this weekend about S. I told her I think she should take him on Fri/Sat and she flipped out. I told her I had already made plans. She said I was punishing her for last weekend, and to an extent, maybe I was. I do feel in my heart that she needs to spend more time with S, and truly, I am exhausted. I need a little help and a little time to myself. I know how it sounds - I feel like a terrible father. But all I'm asking for is one weekend. She started cursing at me and generally just being nasty. I tried my best to stay calm. She kept saying how I was pushing her by trying to make her take son. I truly don't understand why she has to be so narcissistic about it. Was I upset about last weekend? Sure I was. But it's not about her - it's about what I need and what I feel S needs (to spend more time with his mother).

Finally, I give her the present I got her. It was actually just a present for a her and son, a kids book about mommies and how they had the best hugs. Thought long and hard about if I wanted to get her anything - decided that a book for her and S to read together wouldn't be so bad. Chose the book because she was so upset about what I had said and still feeling like she was a bad mom. Maybe I shouldn't have got her the book or any present - but it's Christmas and I thought it would make her feel better.

When I left - I did say something to her. I told her that I didn't understand why she had to be so mean to me. That I understood that she was mad at me but that I had been nothing but nice to her during this time. I said it because I was hurting. I didn't say it angrily, but I felt tears welling up as I said the words. She looked...abashed? After that I silently walked to the car with S and drove away.

She sent me a text minutes later saying thank you for the gift, apologized for being grumpy but that she was upset about how I was keeping score. I didn't reply. She is right that I am keeping score. But not because I want less time with S, because I feel that what is best for him is to spend some time with his mother. I don't know what to do. I have such a great respect for parents who can do it alone.

Today, I am just trying to make it through the holiday. I am going to do my best to be cheerful around family, and to have a good time. I have a heavy heart - and I wish my family was whole.

To anyone that might be reading this today - I truly hope that you have a great holiday and can find peace in your hearts. I am so thankful for the kind and caring folks on this board that have helped me so much in this difficult time.