First thing... Get a copy of "Putting Children First" by J. Pedro-Carroll and read it, asap.
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Also I really don't want to go out to my mom's without the kids. I feel bad leaving them. But I don't want to be home and I think he needs to spend time with them.
That is the sole motivation, right?
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"I wanted you to have some special time with Dad without me around."
The holidays are tough as h3ll, it really challenges us to see the true spirit of the season and act with "Class, Honor, and Dignity" to the best of our abilities.
The kids MUST come first in all this. Whatever you choose to do, please have THEIR needs and enjoyment in the front of your mind.
Tough to do, but essential, therefore, doable. I had an in-house mlc'er for 3 years, challenged the cr@p out of me...
Just my 2.5 cents...
Hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I have choir and then I am going to go stay at my parents and I will come pick them up tomorrow to go to church and my sister's. And then I added that if he has plans New Years Eve he can take the kids out to my parents.
So was my interaction over the line or was it boundary setting?
Mustard, a boundary is not trying to make someone else act a certain way. That's being controlling.
A boundary is about how YOU act when someone behaves in a certain way around you.
And the reason I recognize it is that it might have been pointed out to me a few times by a few people around here......
I hear what you're saying rppfl. And I see how part of my interaction was to keep him from going out. But the other part of it was this expectation that I had no plans and he could decide to go out without first making sure one of us will be home with the kids. He just always assumes I will be around.
I wasn't home when they got back from the movies and then when I got home I told him that I want to talk to him. I apologized for coming across as controlling and told him that if his goal in going out tonight is because he doesn't want to be around me, then I will happily leave for the night so he can have time with the kids. He said he has some last minute shopping to do and he was going to bring them but they didn't want to go. I told him to go, I have choir but I can bring them. He said he'd be home before that. So there we go. Peace is restored. But I don't feel good about it. I did feel good about it before because I think he needs to know that I am not just going to be around so he can come and go as he pleases without feeling responsible for the kids. And I think I might have overstepped in my response, but then I took it back which makes me feel like once again I laid down for him to walk all over.
Anyway, I called a DB coach and as much as I still think I am ready for this marriage to end, she gave me a little bit of hope that there might still be a chance. I don't really want to have that kind of hope right now because I am at a place right now where the pain he caused is more than I think I can ever forgive. After this last business with his "very good friend" when I look at him I see someone who disgusts me. There is very little about him I find attractive anymore and I just want to move on with my life.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
And we shall see if he decides to go out after I get home from practice. I don't know. This setting boundaries business is so hard.
Tsquared2 I will look into getting that book.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Sorry the night didn't go so well. Sound like you may have taken a step backwards with the back handed comments and escalating. Unfortunately, He is their father and has equal rights to them as you. My wife learned that the hard way and got in a little trouble with the Judge. Is there a specific reason that you are afraid of him with the kids??? Also, why are you going to ALANON? Are you a survivor or in recovery? Just wondering. I have taken a few steps back in the last 74 days... But I just keep hitting the reset button, and keep trying. You need to keep trying... it takes 7 times to do something before its a habit. I have posted notes to myself around the house in conspicuous places to remind me to "keep Calm" "if it is to be, it is up to me" "don't tell, SHOW" and others. I am sure you are already, but pray daily... and often!!! I ask the Lord to soften her heart towards me and for me to do the same. I ask the Lord to help show us the love for each other as Christ loves his Church. and I ask that the Lord guide us through this crisis and for the restoration of our family, If it s His will.
Get back on track if its what you want... Im pulling for you kiddo.
P.S. When I go to the gym and get on the WiFi, I listen to a lot of the little short clips of Michelle and others while tanning or on the treadmill just google or you tube search. .. they are very inspiring and keep me motivated..
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Thanks Ile Guy. I am not trying to keep the kids from him. I was trying to do the opposite. Forcing him to be around for them tonight. And I realize that was wrong. Part of me wishes I was still out at my parents, but I came back because I know they need to spend time with him. And it just rubbed me the wrong way that he was planning on going out tonight. He had three nights to himself where he could have done that. Now the kids are home, spend time with them! Why do you need to go out drinking after you had 3 nights to do that? But then again, that isn't my problem it's his. I see that now. I was trying to throw it back on him. His declaration that he is going out tonight without first asking me if I had plans, just assuming I would be home for the kids annoyed me.
I did have plans tonight, not late night party plans, but I have choir rehearsal and I'm not canceling that just because he wants to go out drinking. But taking it a step farther and saying I won't come home and I'll go out to my mom's was unnecessary and not practical since I have to be back here tomorrow afternoon to sing in church anyway. Also, I know the kids would be upset if I went out to my mom's and didn't take them. That's the part that was rubbing me the wrong way. Even the kids expect that I will always be around. Once we are separated it is going to be tough for them to adjust to the fact that sometimes I won't be there.
I also thought that maybe he is saying he wants to go out tonight because he just doesn't want to be stuck in the house with me--rather than that he was avoiding spending time with the kids, or that he has some commitments to some other people or person who takes precedent over us. So if I leave then he won't have to deal with me and the kids will still get to spend time with him. I think we were both playing games as well. He was testing my reaction. Trying to make me jealous maybe. IDK, or just trying to get back at me for going out last night (even though I came home early and sober since it was an alanon meeting not a date or a party night. He knows I go. I started going back in February when he admitted he had a problem (it surprised me at the time, but now I think it was a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for ruining my birthday) and he briefly went to counseling to get help. He is drinking again, decided it isn't a problem for him. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I do know the meetings help me. I really don't care if he drinks or not, his drinking doesn't effect me and never did, he never really acts or seems drunk. It is the addictive behaviors that bother me. The money drain, the fact that his entire schedule revolves around when he can start drinking.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
And it reminded me of the roller coaster. It reminded me of the reasons why I need to end this marriage. I still care for him. I still love him. But I love myself more. I can't be his wife anymore, but maybe we can be friends.
We just spent our first Christmas eve apart. After I came home with the kids we finished up our Santa business which made me feel sad because we are so good at that part of our relationship. Everything that has to do with the kids ends up being good and it makes me forget what a jerk he is to me. He is a good father, just a terrible husband. we can be parents together. Maybe one day we will be friends. But we can no longer be married. Any glimmer of hope I feel is fleeting and I have to remember the pattern is more important than the moment.
The DB coach told me that I should focus on friendship and things that have to do with the kids is the best place to begin. At the time I was not fully convinced. I am too angry to be his friend, and he doesn't want to be mine. But today and yesterday I saw what she was saying. Maybe we aren't ready to be friends, but we can be friendly. We shared a Merry Christmas hug before bedtime. Nothing more. No more false hope. The marriage is over. But perhaps a new friendship is possible.
No more financial dependence on him, but continued resentments regarding finances and his lack of initiative. Time for some legal intervening to make sure things are fair. It is easier for me to deal with now that I know I will be able to support myself and the kids (even if it is tight) if he flakes, but with the law on my side I have a better chance of making sure that doesn't happen.
Merry Christmas!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
He got me a nice gift from the kids. Is this our last Christmas together? Thinking about the coming year is so scary.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Howdy Mustard.... one thing.... DONT GOVE UP!!! As a guy, It sounds like he may be trying but is hurt. Sounds like classic avoidance on his part (I know from experience). Guys have feelings too. You brought up a few good points... one is, you admit you are still angry. It seems you have not completely detached and he knows that. Are you possibly coming across as needy? I only say this because it goes hand in hand with what I was doing. I was always trying to stay away from W because everything was just so tense. This is what led to our S. and as guys, theres very little else we know what to do when we cant take care of our family. I would stay at work late, or just come home and bonfire and have a few beers and wait till she was asleep or gone. As a guy... I will tell you, he seems to be still hanging on for something.. (I could be totally wrong) but the parallels to his behavior and mine are eerily coincidental. the only difference is that I am realizing that I have to change first, and let her see these. This is the only way for her to change.
At Mass last night Fr. Mike (in a packed house) was talking about creating and praying for peace. It seems that he looked right at me and said "it has to start with someone, why not you". I was floored!!!! Its also weird that for the longest time I didn't need God in my life because I had total control.. HAHAHA, and getting back to church was amazing. During dismissal, Fr. Mike looked at me again, and said that a large donation has been made to the church and everyone should pick up a copy of "re-discovering Catholicism" once again I was floored!!. then I the way out Fr. Mike personally handed me a copy and gave me a wink.
If you haven't already, you need to give true and deep forgiveness to your DH. You need to start making Mustardseed better. GAL, do 180s, and get some help for you. Accept that DH is human and love him unconditionally (from afar, if need be) and work on your part.
Just let go of the anger, have true forgiveness in your heart and create peace... Im willing to bet he will take notice. It seems to be working with me and WAW
Keep up the good work and expect setbacks... after all we are all human and we WILL make mistakes. Forgive him for his and he will do the same.
Good Luck DB'ing, Merry Christmas and God Bless.. Im till keeping you in my prayers.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Is this our last Christmas together? Thinking about the coming year is so scary.