And it reminded me of the roller coaster. It reminded me of the reasons why I need to end this marriage. I still care for him. I still love him. But I love myself more. I can't be his wife anymore, but maybe we can be friends.
We just spent our first Christmas eve apart. After I came home with the kids we finished up our Santa business which made me feel sad because we are so good at that part of our relationship. Everything that has to do with the kids ends up being good and it makes me forget what a jerk he is to me. He is a good father, just a terrible husband. we can be parents together. Maybe one day we will be friends. But we can no longer be married. Any glimmer of hope I feel is fleeting and I have to remember the pattern is more important than the moment.
The DB coach told me that I should focus on friendship and things that have to do with the kids is the best place to begin. At the time I was not fully convinced. I am too angry to be his friend, and he doesn't want to be mine. But today and yesterday I saw what she was saying. Maybe we aren't ready to be friends, but we can be friendly. We shared a Merry Christmas hug before bedtime. Nothing more. No more false hope. The marriage is over. But perhaps a new friendship is possible.
No more financial dependence on him, but continued resentments regarding finances and his lack of initiative. Time for some legal intervening to make sure things are fair. It is easier for me to deal with now that I know I will be able to support myself and the kids (even if it is tight) if he flakes, but with the law on my side I have a better chance of making sure that doesn't happen.
Merry Christmas!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
