Card29 VIII

[Card29]

Had a convo with WAW out of nowhere today. It started because she picked up on my frustration with the dogs. I told her I wasnt sure if I wanted to keep them if I'm going to be alone in an apt. She was really upset. I told her I wasn't making a decision right now. She said, "So if I divorce you, you're getting rid of the dogs?" I told her that it wasn't like that, its not an ultimatum. She said, "I don't understand why you wouldn't want to at least try to fix the things that are causing the problems. Why cant you at least try?" I couldnt help but chuckle, since that is exactly our M sitch, and what I said to her.

She asked why I laughed, so I told her. And that stared another terrible R talk. I went through the same pointless arguing about why we could fix it, but tried to validate how she felt, and voice that I knew she was not interested in or had the energy to work on it "right now". She said, "You keep saying 'right now' like I'm going to change my mind." It really went downhill from there. She said she was dead in our M, she's completely done. Then she told me she's dating. I think I need to really start focusing on myself. I should have the whole time, and I did for a while. And I guess I can still leave the hope door open. But it's going to have to be an open door that I try to never think about.

Worst Christmas Eve ever lol

When I got back to the large family gathering, an aunt picked up on my pain. Took me to a bedroom and talked to me. I cried like I haven't cried in months. That really helped me kind of enjoy the rest of the night. I know tomorrow will be a cold reality, but tonight I feel half okay. I feel guilty for letting that convo happen, though. It completely ruined WAW's night, I'm sure, and she's sitting there alone. I guess she could confide in her BF or whatever is going on