Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

I kind of sorted of laughed... But that was a pretty terrible two years that left a lot of scars and was a contributing factor in my reluctance to return to the west coast when my H moved us there. I'm not thrilled to know XBF knows who I am.

[Maybell]

Ok, Betsey, Labug... I've been contemplating your messages this evening.

It is SO weird that XBF would email tonight when I haven't spoken to him even one word since 3 years before I met H. And then I thought of what I wrote right above about XBF and how I totally shoved that gigantic ball of poo under the rug and never really dealt with it, and maybe somehow the universe is directing my attention there with this strange email. (So strange I thought it must be a prank.)

I need to think on that. Some of it hurts so deeply I don't even want to write about it. Which I know will shock you given how much I've spilled my guts. There's definitely stuff there to be dealt with.

I am Teflon. I felt threatened by what my H said. But now I feel zen again. I have a couple of plans in mind so I think I'll be ok.

Betsey your message on RPP's thread was very generous. I'm sorry for the pain of losing your brother and thank you to you and Labug for your generosity in helping me and others keep it together, especially over the holidays.

I have an appointment with a new IC, but I may backburner that till S8 gets some therapy, because he's actually requested it.

I hope someday I'm like the two of you.

[labug]

When we help ourselves, we help our kids. I say this as a mom who put her needs on the back burner for far too long.

Put the oxygen mask on your face first.

((( )))

Merry Christmas!

[Underdog]

Maybell,

Thanks for your compassion... And Merry Christmas!

My brother's death has certainly affected my mood. I'm trying, though. Now only if D17's presents show up. They were supposed to be here yesterday. Yikes.

But since we've been having forgiveness discussions, thought it would be good to share my story for today. I don't know if I have mentioned that my brother's ex wife and I have had estrangement for awhile. We compared notes at the funeral and figured out that he had lied to all of us and created the rift so he could protect his lies. I told her that there were two last straws with me with my brother: he borrowed $550 for airline tickets to a yoga camp and promised me a quick payback that never happened (it was my saved book money for D20); and then I found out he had paid someone $500 to rough up someone who owed him money. My X-SIL was devastated when I told her he had told me she wouldn't give him the money to pay me back. I told her I knew it was not true, but that I'd like to bury the lies with him and start over. We buried our hatchet.

This morning, I got a text from her that read, "Chris came to me in a dream and wants me to send you a gift. Follow the instructions on the text, and don't be afraid. Merry Christmas from heaven." I then got a text that had me follow instructions to deposit $400 into my account. It made me cry.

I think I'm going to use this to create a gift stream of consciousness to build the bridge between us and use it as a means of creating good memories in his name. He's no longer a drug addict, and I will use this as an instrument of peace.

Good will to all, and a special hug to you, Maybell.

Betsey

[SunnyB]

Betsey, what an incredible story. And what a powerful example of what can happen in our lives when we forgive. Merry Christmas to you!

(And I hope the presents showed up! One year when D16 was little, her special Barbie did not make it by Christmas Eve. As we were opening presents on Christmas morning, the doorbell rang and a courier delivered the Barbie. We told her it was an elf, the Barbie had fallen off the sleigh. She totally believed it and was happy as a clam all day.)

[Wonka]

Oh Bets! What an incredible story.....thank you for sharing it here. Merry Christmas to everyone here.

[mustardseed]

Merry Christmas. As bittersweet as the holiday can be, the message of hope and peace that the season brings always helps put things into perspective. We may not get everything we want this Christmas, but I truly believe we always seem to get what we need.

[Maybell]

Merry Christmas!

So H was here till about 4pm. He parked himself in a chair for most of the day. At least it wasn't the chair he always sat in before he moved out. Devoted himself to the kids. Spoke to me a very little. Didn't help with food or clean up. hesitated like he wanted a hug as he left but I didn't take any notice.

I didn't give him anything. But I did direct D11 to choose a gift for him that he'd been excited about during the summer and he seemed to like it. Boys gave him gifts of their choice which were nice. And I made sure there was stuff for his stocking.

I didn't get my perfume after all. He gave me this funky Buddha activity. The box says "master the art of letting go." That was unsettling at first but I think it was meant to be just a relaxing activity. Also a very very cool book that I was happy he'd remembered.

Owing to holiday prep I've gotten three hours of sleep the last two nights so I actually fell completely asleep on the couch two different times today. That never happens. I could sleep now.

Today was polite but distant. The most time I've spent with him since he moved out. There were a couple of moments when I would have liked to have made things a little closer, but then I thought of him and OW (and caught him texting when I woke up from my naps) and I thought, well, that would be pursuit and I'll just let him walk this path without me.

It was a weird Christmas but better than last year. And now I have most of a year to move closer to a great Christmas in 2015.

One of the plot points of the Doctor Who episode I'm watching turns on CyberDanny's emotional inhibitor being activated and the Doctor's fear that it will make him forget he loves Clara and kill her. It's resolved when the Doctor remembers, "Love is not an emotion. Love is a choice." And then Danny saves the world.

I've been wrestling with what to do with that observation. I think the only thing to do is to choose to love myself.

Merry Christmas, cyber friends!

[LoveMyW]

Your day sounded like it could have been a lot worse Maybell!!..

I drew some similarities between my day and yours, so it still seems like a script!!.. It was the longest chunk of time I have spent with W since S, and (mindreading here) I'm sure she had been texting NBF during the day..

Oh well, her choice!!.. I'm looking at the positives that I got to spend the day with her, my boys and the rest of my extended family whom I love and cherish.. Where was new BF??.. Who cares, he wasn't involved, invited nor thought about by W's family yet I was..

Score 1 to me!!..

Merry Xmas!!..

[Maybell]

Feeling hurt and less detached today. I think he and I might really be over.

He graduated from college in 3 years so he could get started on his adult life. I think I was part of that push for early achievement. I don't think he had any clue what grown-up marriage would be like and not much desire to engage in one. I've never been very important to him.

He is not a thoughtful person. He didn't help AT ALL yesterday. Except to play with the kids a little. He's like that everywhere. Waiting to be served. Never helps with the dishes at his parents' house or anywhere else. Never helped with the kids or anything. Would walk into their house, greet them, and then start reading the paper once he'd gotten his beer. In seventeen years I don't think he ever once helped with the dishes after a big family meal at their house.

Our financial condition is beginning to deteriorate. I saw an indication that he may have been on a date in the statements. (I know we're not supposed to snoop but the cash has dropped so much and so suddenly that I was trying to figure out why.)

I don't think I am broadly codependent. I think I've been trying to compensate for my H's lack of emotional involvement for years. Yesterday I saw him more clearly and I saw a guy who was willing to ask for big things but not to give little things. I asked for THREE things. All small. All things my daughter knows how to find. I received one of them, because it was electronic. One of my gifts was from D11, but none of them were from my boys. That kind of hurt. He didn't try to foster their ability to show me loving gestures. They give me plenty of loving gestures anyway without his guidance but it says a lot about him. His gifts were from each of the children, and they were very excited to share them with him.

I think what I'm feeling now is just blow-back from having been around him so much yesterday. I'm working hard to be detached but today I'm exhausted, yesterday I was even more exhausted, and I'm just feeling emotional.

What am I supposed to do with that Buddha gift? I don't want to use it. I don't want ANOTHER thing to set out when I'm trying to clear my life of things that don't serve me. But he chose it for me on purpose. (I think it was in a clearance bin, though).

He really hasn't understood me in a long time and the words to help him understand are stuck in my throat because of how he's treated me.

On another note, I talked to my mom a couple of weeks ago and when she asked what i wanted for Christmas I said I'd like a bag for work. I asked, very hesitantly, if I could choose it because (all I'd wanted to say was size, shape, and color)... and that's as far as I got before she launched into a HUGE tirade about how she wasn't going to buy me some tacky cheap crocheted thing and that I shouldn't think so little of them and on and on and on. It was very ugly, heated, and long, and I just sat there on the other end of the phone trying to get a word in edgewise to defuse the whole thing and I never could. I don't even remember how it ended or how I got off the phone. It was awful. So I didn't choose a bag because after that I felt like every time I laid eyes on it I'd just remember the tongue-lashing I'd received, and I didn't get anything from my parents for Christmas either. Nor did I send them anything. I tried to text a few times but they ignored em, I called twice after that but they declined my calls so I haven't spoken to them in a couple of weeks. I don't feel like I've been treated very fairly by them and I'm tired of making the effort. D11 asked me if I'd ever treat HER that way if she went a few weeks without calling and I said of course not, I couldn't imagine behaving that way.

I want to change my life NOW. I want my H to either man up and return to the marriage or LEAVE. I want to know how to treat my parents so I don't keep walking into these booby traps, and I would like to keep them at serious arms length too. I just want to settle into a life that is MINE from this day on (not in this house) and be OK. I want to be happy.

I'm ok, just tired and emotional from the holidays.