W is often apologetic for the mess we're in, but I don't feel a lot of genuine remorse from her
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I remember the attitude and tone of voice that I used when I told my H I didn't set out to hurt him. Embarrassing. He could have turned it around and ask me what I thought I was setting out to do when I became involved with OM.
Unless it is some kind of revenge A, I would go as far to say the WAW is not giving serious thought about the pain she is causing her H while she's in the A, b/c she is so wrapped up in her own feelings. She knows what she is doing is wrong b/c she tries to hide it. I think the thrill is what drives her, and the fantasy clouds her rational thinking. She is not unconscious, she is just very self centered and feels justified to the degree it over-rides how it will affect her H and children.
If she will do the right thing, her feelings will follow, and in time, she should feel truly sorry for the hurt and damage she caused.
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Maybe it's my own defenses, but I think she's also deep in he dopamine fantasy where she can rationalize anything. She also resents the hell out of me for my role in our M sitch. I think that's what hurts as much as anything, that this formerly big-hearted woman who once called me her soulmate doesn't feel much genuine warmth towards me, even when she's outwardly affectionate.
Can you give her time to get herself straightened out? If she was able to bounce back that quickly, I would have serious doubts about her. This will be agonizing for her, too. The ironic part I see in many LBH'S is how they are so focused on just getting their W back......and once they do, THEN they start having their own problems with unforgiveness, trust, resentment, etc. You are still in the stage of getting her back, b/c you aren't sure if she is or not. But once you believe she is........don't be surprised if you struggle with some WAS issues yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
