I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

Thanks Ile Guy. I am not trying to keep the kids from him. I was trying to do the opposite. Forcing him to be around for them tonight. And I realize that was wrong. Part of me wishes I was still out at my parents, but I came back because I know they need to spend time with him. And it just rubbed me the wrong way that he was planning on going out tonight. He had three nights to himself where he could have done that. Now the kids are home, spend time with them! Why do you need to go out drinking after you had 3 nights to do that? But then again, that isn't my problem it's his. I see that now. I was trying to throw it back on him.
His declaration that he is going out tonight without first asking me if I had plans, just assuming I would be home for the kids annoyed me.

I did have plans tonight, not late night party plans, but I have choir rehearsal and I'm not canceling that just because he wants to go out drinking. But taking it a step farther and saying I won't come home and I'll go out to my mom's was unnecessary and not practical since I have to be back here tomorrow afternoon to sing in church anyway. Also, I know the kids would be upset if I went out to my mom's and didn't take them. That's the part that was rubbing me the wrong way. Even the kids expect that I will always be around. Once we are separated it is going to be tough for them to adjust to the fact that sometimes I won't be there.

I also thought that maybe he is saying he wants to go out tonight because he just doesn't want to be stuck in the house with me--rather than that he was avoiding spending time with the kids, or that he has some commitments to some other people or person who takes precedent over us. So if I leave then he won't have to deal with me and the kids will still get to spend time with him. I think we were both playing games as well. He was testing my reaction. Trying to make me jealous maybe. IDK, or just trying to get back at me for going out last night (even though I came home early and sober since it was an alanon meeting not a date or a party night. He knows I go. I started going back in February when he admitted he had a problem (it surprised me at the time, but now I think it was a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for ruining my birthday) and he briefly went to counseling to get help. He is drinking again, decided it isn't a problem for him. I don't know if it is or isn't, but I do know the meetings help me. I really don't care if he drinks or not, his drinking doesn't effect me and never did, he never really acts or seems drunk. It is the addictive behaviors that bother me. The money drain, the fact that his entire schedule revolves around when he can start drinking.