There is nothing you can do right now!!! This ALL about him! ... so please fight back the urge to take control and confront him.
Everything you describe in your recent posts lead me to believe your H is looking at himself in the mirror and has reallized that his life has gone from bad to worse in his eyes. He's currently convinced himself that the direction he has taken up to now has totally screwed up any chance of getting back any of the happiness he once had. He feels he has now tainted that despite anything you do to show him otherwise.
He is in the midst of his journey, has discovered he is in a dark hole far outside your reach. He is gonna have to figure a way to pull himself out of it.
All you can do is to let him know you are willing to wait for him a the top by showing unconditional love, that you are there for him. In the meantime, as he stands there in the hole, focus your efforts on yourself. You need to avoid withering away waiting for him. I feel how tiresome you are. Take a break. Learn to dance to your own tune while waiting. Nurture yourself.
Oh Water.....more ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) to you!
I didn't know quite how to respond to your sitch, until I read KAW. So, so wise.
Quote: He is in the midst of his journey, has discovered he is in a dark hole far outside your reach. He is gonna have to figure a way to pull himself out of it.
This is so TRUE. You will just have to let him be. Let him do the pursuing a bit more. Be kind and responsive....but not too nurturing. Don't initiate much right now....he knows your offer is on the table. He needs to take charge of himself more. He almost seems to like that you do for him.....you offer time together. Hmmmmmm, was it that way in the beginning of your R? Did he do more of the initiating of things together?
I don't have experience with the depression thing....tho I think my H has some too. Do you ever talk with a DB councelor by phone? Mine, Joanne....is extremely helpful. Just a thought.
Continue to find things that make YOU happy each day....and take it day to day. That's all you can do at this point.
Don't beat yourself up anymore, either. Give it to God. It's outta your hands.
Cathy` thank you for that thread. There is SO much information there. It is very helpful. I had not seen that one, not sure how I missed it as I look at a lot of the old posts.
{{{KAW}}} I love your insite and kind words. It really puts things in perspective for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you tell me.
Mooka~ thank you for your support! It gives a boost to see a response to my thread... so encouraging!
H called last night and we talked for almost an hour. No R talks or anything, just work kind of stuff.
At one point he asked me when I was going to Florida. I told him the date I was leaving. I got the feeling that he wanted to hear me ask him AGAIN to go. He knows that I want him to join me, so I let it go. I will send some sort of cute reminder maybe early next week.
H and I are both managers and I am having some difficulties with a couple employees and the effect they are having on the environment in our department. I asked for H's advice on how to handle the situation. I spent a good 15 minutes describing the situation and all the little things going on. He patiently listened and WAS INTERESTED!
H is a terrific manager. He gave some really good advice, although some of it was hard to hear as the responsibility falls to ME. But he didn't rip into me but just presented the issues that he saw. He made suggestions but didn't say DO THIS or THAT.
I thanked him for the suggestions and it was such a wonderful conversation!
I see that you have some questions about depression.
Just curious, have you mentioned your theory to him? If so, how did he respond?
Oh, and I didn't get to the point of not getting out of bed, during my depression...until after I had been depressed for quite a bit...and I just kept spiraling down hill until it finally got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed each day.
I do have many questions about depression. I have ordered several of the books mentioned on snodderly's thread.
I'm trying to understand the feelings one has while depressed. It must be horrable. Do they know something is wrong?
PIB you said that you just kept spiraling downhill. What were the outward signs one might have noticed in you?
KAW gave a good visual of H being in a dark hole and he has to pull himself out. How does one do that? Can they do it on their own or will they truly heal only with therapy and or meds?
Thanks for sharing your experience. I am a helper/giver person and I know I cannot help my H with this. But just being able to understand helps me keep this all in perspective and see my H with caring eyes, not hurt eyes.
Quote: KAW gave a good visual of H being in a dark hole and he has to pull himself out. How does one do that? Can they do it on their own or will they truly heal only with therapy and or meds?
I'm a big believer in meds - Prozac gave me my H back! Yes, therapy is important too - but bad therapy can be worse than no therapy - looking for a "reason" why they feel bad when it's mostly biological - that's when they turn to YOU and figure YOU must be the reason they feel bad
My H says it was a dark horrible place that he never wants to go back to - that he really couldn't think straight - but that he appreciated my loving calm through it all (even when he was being a real butthead to me, but of course he doesn't remember that! ).
Hi Water, I can totally understand the black hole. Yes, we know something is wrong. Unfortunately, we internalize it, which is prob. what he is doing.
It's a very scary place. Very sad and lonely even though we are isolating ourselves. Yucky to have no hope or will to live.
Only HE can bring himself out of it-med's and C's are assistants in the process, but he has to take responsibility for himself and his own feelings. (something I don't want/like to do.) It is easier to think that he is not happy with YOU or the M, or his JOB, or his FAM, or whatever. By him being alone, he is probably realizing that it's just geography. (name the movie!) His probs will be with him regardless of where he goes!
I still think it's a lot of guilt, shame, poor image of himself, etc. The best thing for you is to just be there and love him uncond'y. Realize that you CANNOT fix him. It is not your job nor are you ABLE to fix him. Validate his feelings, and gently offer suggestions when you think he is amenable to them.
take care! have fun in FL if I don't talk to you before you go! karen812
Hi Water, I can totally understand the black hole. Yes, we know something is wrong. Unfortunately, we internalize it, which is prob. what he is doing.
It's a very scary place. Very sad and lonely even though we are isolating ourselves. Yucky to have no hope or will to live.
Only HE can bring himself out of it-med's and C's are assistants in the process, but he has to take responsibility for himself and his own feelings. (something I don't want/like to do.) It is easier to think that he is not happy with YOU or the M, or his JOB, or his FAM, or whatever. By him being alone, he is probably realizing that it's just geography. (name the movie!) His probs will be with him regardless of where he goes!
I still think it's a lot of guilt, shame, poor image of himself, etc. The best thing for you is to just be there and love him uncond'y. Realize that you CANNOT fix him. It is not your job nor are you ABLE to fix him. Validate his feelings, and gently offer suggestions when you think he is amenable to them.
take care! have fun in FL if I don't talk to you before you go! karen812
I am really trying to learn all I can about this journey. Just having the understanding of what is going on helps.
I so appreciate all the information sharing.
H called me Thurs night about 9:30p. Didn't really say much, but did want to know if I was naked when I told him I was in bed. I told him no, because he wasn't here. I trie some phone sex Ellie, but he wasn't "in the mood" for that. He was really tired and somewhat down. He told me he just wanted to call and hear my voice.
He called again last night too. Two phone calls with no real purpous other than to call and say hi. Oh my!
I did plant small seed that hopfully he will be able to take a break next weekend.
which is prob. what he is doing.