Today I can say that I really would like my M to be restore and it will still hurts if we D. But something inside me is changing and I feel that I will be OK it the D happen. I am starting feeling that I will be in peace with myself and move on.
This is great. I get a glimpse of this now and then, but it's very fleeting at this point.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
You are doing great, even if it feels you are always falling apart. Give yourself time, be patient with your pain and feelings. You are hurting now, grieving the loss. You feel guilt and angry, all these mixed up inside of you. It's not easy, so give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up.
Holidays are the worse. It brings a lot of memories and makes a mess in our brains and hearts.
Thanks, Pink. There are so many triggers around this time. Even here at my mom's house, it feels like my entire "family" (WAW + SS+ SD) should be here.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
My pastor was talking about the whole XMas miracles this past weekend and one thing he said is that we need to put not only our faith in God's hands, but also our pain, let him heal what is broken. You don't know the path he chose for you, but if it is beside your W, then he will heal your R.
This is helpful too. I'm realizing that another reason I'm having trouble detaching is that it feels like I'm giving up any and all connections to my W. I haven't seen her in almost three months. There are very few traces of her in my house/life. I only have memories and emotions. Missing her, longing for her, &c. at least give me a feeling of having her in my life still. Detaching means that she's really gone. Yes, she is gone. Not detaching is denial. But when we met it felt like I had waited my whole life to be with her. All the visions we had of spending the rest of our lives together, watching kids and grandkids grow up, etc. are really hard to let go. And all those thoughts and fantasies now seem asinine and delusional. So on an emotional level, reality is hard to grasp/identify/reconcile.
I am praying multiple times a day, trying to turn the sitch/my W over to God. But I find that even in my most earnest prayers, there is a part of my mind that is hoping that that act of prayer is somehow connecting with my W and working on her in some way. So it's a compromised detachment.
