Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

This means that I avoid expressing my needs and end up avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. In the case of responding to texts, I will look at it, not knowing exactly what to respond or just how to phrase it and I'll move on to an easier task. The text will make me feel guilty, but I can't go back to it. I've this anxiety, like the text has barbed wires around it. It's possible your H realized he couldn't go to dinner with you and his brain told him that saying so would get him into more trouble, so better to respond later. And later. And later.

We people with passive aggressive behavior do not think like everyone else. We have all this anxiety bottled up because we can't just say "Thanks but no." or "Can I please have X?" The fear of rejection, of upsetting people, of dealing with an awkward situation is strong. According to my IC, I learned it as a kid because the other ways of getting what I want (like asking for it) didn't work.

It's not a mental illness, but you can treat it as such: the default setting of your H. It's subconscious, mind you, so it's not something you can control without a high level of awareness and even greater efforts. Just know that, for now, your H's behavior is likely to continue and it's not about you. Don't take it personally. Make do with it.

Mozza - your description hit the nail on the head with my H. He's even said something along the lines of not knowing how to respond to a text so he goes back to something else and then never comes back. He avoids conflict, so this gives me something to think about and look into. I just take people saying that they're going to do something, as a fact. Because it's what I do, personally. So when promises are made, and then there's not a follow through -- it annoys me.

One good way is to avoid being a source of trouble when he expresses his needs and wants. Be a safe space, a place where he can tell you no or ask for something without seeing it blown up. It will lower his anxiety and make it easier for him to respond.

Really working on this over the last couple of days. Which is what I attribute to having a good convo yesterday.

Hope this helps.

It does, actually -- thank you so much!
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But you've got to learn to be patient.

Oh trust me, I know. H is actually the first R I've ever shown patience with before -- which is sad yet telling at the same time. Before, the first time I was seriously annoyed or hit a road block with someone else -- *boom* they were gone. I didn't want to deal with it.

You want your H to act like an eager dog and run to you with affection and focus, while he's likely more like a cat that will decide slowly whether he gets anywhere near you. Sitting there and observing you. Turning his back. Stretching to take a sniff from afar. Etc. Your H is a different person from you and you need to understand that not so that he comes back, but so that you have a healthy R with him someday. I've read little of your sitch, yet I'm not surprised that he finds you controlling, considering the amount of criticism you've leveld at him here for not acting exactly like you would have or like you expect him to. Take a page from my book: do not criticize him ever. It was my W's main complaint, the reason why she left me, yet I haven't made ONE criticism to her since BD three months ago. It can be done.

I'll be honest, at first this comment rubbed me the wrong way. But then I pondered it, had a cookie, and thought about it some more. The thing I'm struggling with is the idea that I control/controlled my H. I view control as telling someone you can't do this, or you have to do that, which, believe it or not, were things I did not really do in my R with H. But I'm learning that things I've said, by expressing brutal honesty, my insecurities, H's insecurities, etc can be identified as controlling. Hell, at this point, I'm almost at the point where I believe opening my mouth is controlling. But if someone who hasn't read my thread (along with the other people who do read) identify me as controlling or critical (which I fully 100% own up to, critical that is), then obviously there's a problem.

The thing is, I've always been critical of people. I don't know where it comes from -- but I imagine it's manifesting for the same reasons why I have controlling tendencies. Lightbulb moment here: I'm probably critical of people, as a defense mechanism. Because if I have something negative to think or say about their behavior, then I'm not going to allow them to get close to me, so that way I won't get hurt. I dunno. Something to explore in therapy. Regardless, it's a deeply ingrained behavior that's going to take awhile to turn around.

I just get frustrated (clearly). Which is partly why I vented about it here. Also as an attempt not to vent at my H. I know I should work towards a point where I'm not irritated by it. I feel like I'm to blame for everything wrong in my M and I know, realistically, that's not the case. It just seems that sometimes H's walk away is justified or excused because of my behavior. And I can't change behavior that I didn't know was bothering H. When someone literally paints a picture that everything is fine, presents that as their truth, and lies when asked if everything is ok, you take them at their word. To learn that it isn't the case, is devastating. I know I'm in a pretty decent place right now, compared to others -- as my H is still talking to me, in therapy working on his issues, and is showing some regret for things said. But I'm still annoyed.

Because, you're right, H isn't reacting the way I think he should. Or rather, I would never, ever have done or handled problems the way H did. And I think that's what I'm irritated about.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

Anyway -- thank you for the insight and for the thought provoking comment. It's giving me something to think about it.