Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #5)

[Little]

This, one, too! It was written in response to someone else but the message is powerful to me:

My personality and relationship background are very different from yours, however the central dynamic you're talking about hits me right in the gut. Been there so many times.

Short answer: In Buddhist terms, you're suffering because of Wrong View.

Long answer: I'll share with you the little bit wisdom that I've acquired on this issue. I discovered that the core issue here is self-esteem. The pain is really you feeling that you're powerless to create your own happiness in life. You believe the other person has that power, and so you desperately need them or else your life has no meaning. This is complete delusion. On many levels.

She's an impermanent, flawed person who pees, poops, farts and belches. Seriously, take time to visualize this (it's similar to an actual meditation that the Buddha taught, in fact he went more hardcore and asks you to imagine her as a decaying corpse...yeesh). She's not a goddess, she's human just like you. She's not the answer to your problems, she is--and I think the Buddha would agree with this--just another bundle of problems.

"But I want that!" Again, wrong view. How could you want something that will only bring you more suffering? You can't, you can only want something that you desperately want to believe is perfect and has no flaws. That's why the Buddha taught that where there is craving, there is wrong view; and where there is right view, craving ceases automatically. You SEE what the case really is, and automatically you don't want it.

What you need to practice is a "Middle Way" of self-esteem. The Buddha taught that physically to starve and torture yourself will not bring you enlightenment, but neither will pigging out and spoiling yourself with luxury. You need to find that middle ground of self-esteem where you believe in yourself enough that you feel you do have the power to achieve your goals, but not esteem yourself so much that you inflate your sense of self and become egotistical.

You already have Buddha-nature. Happiness, true happiness, is there already within you at all times. The Buddhist path is basically removing all the things we try to replace that original Buddha-nature with, the things we mistakenly make out to be sources of happiness. There is only one source of happiness, and it's nothing outside of you.

Also, don't beat yourself up. In Buddhist terms, you didn't lose a big opportunity--you dodged a bullet. In your current state of mind, there was no way that situation would've ended happily. Find peace and happiness within first, then see if you can relate to others from that place of strength first. Otherwise you're just like a druggie looking for a fix, not a human being looking to express compassion or true love.