Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Mozza]

Calibri,

I think your H might have passive aggressive behavior. I suggest it because I have it. My IC diagnosed it very early and thinks that my case is pretty serious. This means that I avoid expressing my needs and end up avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. In the case of responding to texts, I will look at it, not knowing exactly what to respond or just how to phrase it and I'll move on to an easier task. The text will make me feel guilty, but I can't go back to it. I've this anxiety, like the text has barbed wires around it. It's possible your H realized he couldn't go to dinner with you and his brain told him that saying so would get him into more trouble, so better to respond later. And later. And later.

We people with passive aggressive behavior do not think like everyone else. We have all this anxiety bottled up because we can't just say "Thanks but no." or "Can I please have X?" The fear of rejection, of upsetting people, of dealing with an awkward situation is strong. According to my IC, I learned it as a kid because the other ways of getting what I want (like asking for it) didn't work.

It's not a mental illness, but you can treat it as such: the default setting of your H. It's subconscious, mind you, so it's not something you can control without a high level of awareness and even greater efforts. Just know that, for now, your H's behavior is likely to continue and it's not about you. Don't take it personally. Make do with it.

One good way is to avoid being a source of trouble when he expresses his needs and wants. Be a safe space, a place where he can tell you no or ask for something without seeing it blown up. It will lower his anxiety and make it easier for him to respond.

Hope this helps.

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PS: I see a lot of hope in your sitch. But you've got to learn to be patient. You want your H to act like an eager dog and run to you with affection and focus, while he's likely more like a cat that will decide slowly whether he gets anywhere near you. Sitting there and observing you. Turning his back. Stretching to take a sniff from afar. Etc. Your H is a different person from you and you need to understand that not so that he comes back, but so that you have a healthy R with him someday. I've read little of your sitch, yet I'm not surprised that he finds you controlling, considering the amount of criticism you've leveld at him here for not acting exactly like you would have or like you expect him to. Take a page from my book: do not criticize him ever. It was my W's main complaint, the reason why she left me, yet I haven't made ONE criticism to her since BD three months ago. It can be done.