barely holding on - 6

[HPoirot]

Hello u-turn. I think you know I was in a similar sitch living with my W in an A. I started out friendly and understanding with her and I liked it that way. So did she and we mostly got along, slept in the same bed, and had wonderful talks.

Problem was, all the while she ramped up her lying and R with OM (I didn't know the OM was local or that she was already in a PA). I unknowingly allowed myself to become her babysitter while she went out to her A. The first time, after I confronted her about what I thought was a LDEA, that she went for an overnight, she even came to me looking sorry and said she felt bad leaving for her party and overnight at a girlfriend's house like she wanted my blessing. I said don't worry about it and let her go... trusting her. All this eroded her respect for me and it was horrible and painful when the full truth came out.

So, if you want to save your M, I don't think you can allow "living as friendly neighbors (room mates)" like she wants. You don't restate your boundaries... you act on them. Is there an action you can take? It will have to be your responsibility. If you can do something where now you are leading and she is pursuing you as an H and provider.

In my case I told my W she can't move to our new home with my son and me. I also took my money from her. She'll have to buy her own car, pay for her own place, pay her own bills. Today she came to me for rental car money that I offered. She had to explain the cost which made her screaming angry for which apologized. (My boundary is, you scream at me, you lose my attention.) Later she thanked me for the money.

Also, she can't just call me or text me and expect an immediate or any response. That made her screaming angry today for which she apologized.

I hate doing these things. I'm afraid I'm being harsh. But the fact is, we've lost our Ws in part b/c we had weak boundaries. Your W knows you love her and that you want to please her. She will use this and think it is the most natural thing in the world. You're just a babysitter and a paycheck in her eyes now. Don't be that guy. It may not bring her back... but it will bring you back.

Decide what boundaries you can take and take them. Stop doing things for her. Be brief and businesslike with her. If you're displeased, say so. Don't need her for anything. Make your own bank account and keep all your money there.

That's what I'm doing. Now I'm leading in my life more instead of following my W's plan.