barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

Rick -thanks! - this is painful to say and unfortunately I feel like this is all new again, like a 2nd or 3rd bomb drop.

I know to be strong - I have not shown this before. I have issues with me seeming petty if I start refusing to do things that I have always done (but I think I must get over that) - for some reason I still want to prove myself to be valuable and unaffected.

I have set boundaries (I will not live in an open marriage) - and she was hiding things pretty well - though I still had suspicions. She now has completely disregarded them and I have to enforce them.

She has asked me to get through the holidays for the kids and we will figure this out after. She has the capability to act as if nothing in the world is wrong when everything is falling apart. She wants me to also, but I am not that way. She is getting everything she wants.

I do not fight her - but I have battled myself all year - and she is seemingly unscathed.

(way way back in my mind, I cannot get rid of the thought that this will all work out and we will be great together - That is holding me back)