Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Underdog]

Hey folks!

In response to Bug's teflon comments and observations, this is a passage I got in my inbox yesterday from the Daily OM:

There will always be factors and people that we cannot control; how we respond can determine the quality of our lives.

There are many stories of spiritual masters embracing the presence of an annoying student in their community. There is even one story that documents a teacher paying an irritating person to live among his students. From an everyday perspective, this is difficult to comprehend. We generally work hard to avoid people and things that we find annoying so they don’t bother us.

From a deeper spiritual perspective, however, irritation can be an important teacher and indicator that we are making progress on our path. Being able to remain centered and awake even when we feel uncomfortable is much more impressive than doing so in an environment where everything is to our liking. No matter how good we are at controlling our circumstances, there will always be factors and people that we cannot control. How we respond to these experiences to a great degree determines the quality of our lives. The goal of spiritual development is not to learn to control our environment—which is more of an ego-driven desire. And while having some measure of control over our external reality is important, it is when we are confronted with a person or situation that irritates us and we can choose not to react that we know have made progress spiritually. It is when we have mastered our internal reality that we will have become the masters of our lives.

The more we try to eliminate annoyances, instead of learning to handle them gracefully, the further we get from developing the qualities that come with spiritual growth, such as patience, tolerance, and acceptance. It is often in the presence of people and experiences we find annoying that we have an opportunity to develop these qualities. Fortunately for most of us, our lives offer an abundance of opportunities to practice and cultivate these traits.

And in regards to Harry Potter, I love the gray you point out. I live in a gray world. Some things are black and white, but most things are really double edged swords. BTW, I'm pretty sure Harry, Ron and Hermione were snippy because they were hormonal teenagers!

I'm really struggling to understand it. Is it because I never understood him well because he didn't express himself in a way I understood? Or was I really awful? But I have my own side to that, and while I acknowledge there were times and ways I was difficult, we both kind of laughed about being pains in our own particular ways. Or is it MLC and a thing that just descended on us? Or is he truly fatally flawed?

Well, we're *all* flawed. We are a sum of our upbringings and experiences. Those flaws have a way of getting in the way of healthy relationships. So maybe all of the above?

I think I told you that I used to be a horrible crazymaker? A crazymaker is someone who creates drama to manage it - for a variety of reasons. Mine was that it was the only way I could control outcomes. I'd set the fires so I could put them out, so to speak. I didn't even know why or even when it originated, but it was something I learned when I was young. I drove my BF's crazy, and I drove my XH absolutely insane. He despised it. Yet, I couldn't see it. I saw it when I was ready to see it. And I had to dig deep to figure out why and what need and fear it was addressing. And then I stopped doing it. I live a relatively drama free life now, and I absolutely hate it when it drops in my lap. I've become drama intolerant.

And yes, I did take a TON of responsibility for his feelings. I know better now intellectually, but it's a hard habit to even identify, let alone break.

Have you considered addressing this topic all by itself with a qualified counselor who works with addicts and co-dependents? Codependency is its own addiction. Bug and I have both had to do this work. The only way out is through. There's hope, Maybell!

On the other hand, lashing out is WAY healthier than bottling for years on end.

Actually, my former IC would disagree. They are both completely inappropriate responses to fear. Both are hurtful. Bottling is emotionally dishonest, but lashing out is a cruel way to manage anger. Passive aggressive or a rager? Who'd want to choose one? They're both scary.

Where does that anger come from, Maybell? It's telling you something is not well and needs to be addressed. Yes, your H is deceitful. I understand that one. But that teflon Bug mentioned can come into play. His behavior choices are not you or an indicator of who you are or your value system. Can you blur some of those lines so that you can get to a gray here?

Hugs, and Merry Christmas!

p.s. Choose George instead of Fred!