Thanks Vanilla and Rd for the encouragement, I can use it.
Vanilla, you are right. As much as I want to be just OK with it, there is always a lot going on when H is around me. It's hard to be close to someone that shared a life with you and pretend you are just friends.
I will be very aware and careful during the time we spend together so I can make the most of it. Like you said it very well, do not let your guard down at all times and use this time to share and show H what he will be missing.
I never been super happy around XMas, the wounds of growing up with an alcoholic father that would always make a big deal around the holidays (my dad passed away a few years ago). Missing my family that is 5000 miles away, in Brasil. All together and XMas was never 100%.
This year it needs to be about the new me. I am old enough now, have big kids, friends, it need to be XMas about what I built and my own family moving forward.
Good advice, I promise to be a good girl. Yes, and I am all my gorgeousness. I am lucky to look about ten years younger then I really is. Now that I lost so much weight, I look really good. So yes, I will be in my gorgeousness. I also have been accepting that I am a very nice person.
People love me, they say I am very kind and fun to be with. I am light spirit, do not bother judging people. I just accept them for who they are. My vision about myself has been changing, I have been more gentle with myself.
All the work that I have been doing w/my IC, close friends, reading and mainly in this board have been a step forward in accepting that I am a very good person with strong personality, lots of good values, honest, caring, with a clean soul, no secrets no more, with a strong faith in my God and religion.
Wow, the way I say seems like the D is the best thing that ever happen to me. And it is, for the first time in my life I came clean with myself, it's all out there. I am facing my worse demons, cleaning the hardest skeletons in my closet. But in a way I found myself and I am very happy with who I am now.
I have been feeling a lot of peace in my heart, a lot of hope for tomorrow, I am getting strong again and I am loving it
Thanks Vanilla, you are awesome!!! Look what you brought out of me today.
Rd, thanks for the male input on my sitch. It really help to understand my dinosaur (that's the way the kids and I talk about H these days). My IC have the same opinion, he told me my H has a very strong emotional connection with me and it is the hardest thing to break.
He also said that my changes are very obvious and for the better side of myself. So H is very confused and is questioning his choices and decisions.
IC was always making me see that H was not trying to be mean to me but he was instigating me to do the whole beg, plead and pursue because it would make easier on him to just blame me for the brake of the M and let go. The fact that I apologize for being a b**ch wife, a nagging person, to make him unhappy for so long... it broke his defenses. Since the beginning I have been understanding and always tell him that it is painful but he has all the right in the world to pursue his happiness and I would and will never stop him.
Yes, we have a ton of good memories. 18 years of many adventures. All we have we built together, on our own. Hope we have a chance. Hope things turn around. It is not all finished yet, as a matter of fact, nothing changed besides the fact that he is not in house and has someone out there.
We will see, who knows. I am doing great in detaching because it is in my nature. Have been like this in regard to people. When I feel not loved, I just let go. It's very easy for me, I just off, don't talk anymore, don't call, don't want to see the person, it is like I turn the page and done.
Sometimes I even think that 180s for me would be to show more caring and connection. My H even says many times that I do not love him for a long time. And this 180s is very hard for me right now. I have been very jealous, I keep thinking that my H kissed, hugged and made love to this OW, and that just make me to want to ignore him and be as far as I can.
Oh my, need to work on those feeling today and tomorrow and get on some nice place with those feelings or I will blow and tell him to go to hell once for all.
