So here I am, sat at the airport, waiting to get on the plane. A lovely 27hr trip ahead of me –
As predicted H did not contact me or acknowledge me leaving – well done with that prediction, you are well versed in the MLC script lol. I don’t know what the future holds for me or H, he seems so far away now (no pun intended!). I can’t seem to let go of him, he is still very much in the front of my thoughts – hence the reason for this sabbatical.
A new Chapter starts for me tomorrow– I am going to try my hardest to make the most of my time away; heal, reset and start building rock solid foundations for a new me.
I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends again, I have not been home for 8yrs so it’s going to be crazy. I know everyone will be supportive and welcoming, It will be a challenge to begin with, but I hope the whirlwind of it all will carry me forwards until I feel it’s time for me to return to my babies (not so babies anymore!).
Travel safely to your new destination. Yes, you are going to be on a whirlwind when you land. So many people to see and do things with and just think, there may even be some new additions to the family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well managed to navigate to the other side of the world and survive :o)
I have bad jet lag - I have been told its one day for every time zone and I flew through 12. Body clock still on NZ time so am currently nocturnal.
I have pretty much avoided everyone since arriving - just can't face going over the same questions every time and to be honest I don't want everybody knowing - so just trying to say that my H and I are no longer together and I don't wish to talk about it - most people are ok about that.
Went to a Winter Solstice Bonfire on the beach - was lovely and great to meet some new people.
Been for lots of very long walks along the beach and around the surrounding hills. Met up with a couple of old friends and on Christmas Eve I have the traditional full family gathering where F/Christmas comes to visit the kids - will be a challenging night for me seeing everyone again, but lovely to see my niece have her first interaction with f/christmas.
Have decided that this is definitely not where I want to settle, I quickly remembered the reason why I left in the first place. Its great to visit for a while though and hopefully will give me inspiration for "what next". At the moment I want to travel my way back to NZ but not sure when - a few more months yet.
Have not heard anything from H - totally vanished off the radar. I thought he may have wished me a safe journey, but nope, nothing.
All my ideas and plans don't include him anymore - I still have the hope in my head, but by his current silence I am seeing that it is now doubtful he will come back my way - he has made a new life and MIL has told me he is really happy.
It is hard - I have had lots of time to think - I know that I need to move on with my life, but h is still very much a clear image in my head and heart and I struggle every day to find the enthusiasm and drive to keep going forwards without him.
My confidence has been knocked and I self doubt myself all the time now - Its not a nice feeling and new to me. Perhaps its because I am out of my comfort zone here and now completely on my own - no s17 - so feel a bit "fish out of water".
Anywhoo - thats all from me. Hoping to meet that person who inspires me to do great things. The adventure continues .....
I'm very glad you arrived safely, but that jet lag is a killer.
I think you are handling the questions very well and if you don't want to talk about it, then don't. You'll know when you want to open up and right now, you are still finding your footing. No need to rehash it over and over again.
Walking on the beach is soothing and I think you'll be visiting the beach quite often in the days ahead. I can understand your desire to travel back to NZ and you will find the right spot to live, you do not need to rush into making a decision right now.
As for your MIL, yes, her son is happy. He's happy because he thinks he's found the illusive happiness, but 6 moths from now, it will not be enough to keep him happy because the shine will have worn off of it. They all give the impression that they are happy for a period of time, but eventually things change.
Give yourself some time. All of this mlc stuff is new to you and the wounds are fresh. Healing takes time and their will be many memories that will surface as reminders of what you once had. The emotions will stir, feel them and then release them. This is part of the healing process. You are going to have days where you don't have any enthusiasm for life, but this too shall pass. Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep your expectations at zero or very low. Nothing says you have to be happy all of the time and you have the right to feel the way that you do and do not listen to what others have to say because they do not understand what you are going through.
I'm not surprised that you didn't hear from your h. He's off in his own little world playing w/different masks and it may be a while before you do hear from him. Don't expect much from him right now.
You've got a clean page to write a new chapter in your life. The words will come, don't force them. For now, take care of yourself and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Melatonin can really help the jet lag - I highly recommend it.
Your MIL sounds toxic - even if she's dumb enough to believe that your H is truly happy now, WHY would she feel the need to relay that information to you? I'd steer clear of her.
For now, your job is to let go (my favorite phrase from this time - "Let go or be dragged") and to dream up a fabulous new life for yourself. If you can find an American movie called She Devil with Roseanne Barr, watch it! Sit down and make a list of 100 things you would like to do or achieve if you new you couldn't fail. Read midlife success stories of women entrepreneurs. Get inspired! Take on new things. Get a new haircut. Dye your hair pink. My feeling at this time was, the worst has already happened, so why be afraid to take risks?
Imagine yourself coming back to New Zealand in a year, stylish, svelte, successful - how great would that feel? Write a book, start a company, climb a mountain, play in a rock band. Your H and his opinions of you are no longer holding you back. Your motherhood obligations are no longer sucking up all your time. This is time to become the YOU that you are meant to be.
Be adventurous. Take a job working in a resort. Or go to school and get that degree you always wanted.
What are the dreams you had when you were young, that you put aside for marriage and motherhood?
It is hard - I have had lots of time to think - I know that I need to move on with my life, but h is still very much a clear image in my head and heart and I struggle every day to find the enthusiasm and drive to keep going forwards without him.
My confidence has been knocked and I self doubt myself all the time now - Its not a nice feeling and new to me. Perhaps its because I am out of my comfort zone here and now completely on my own - no s17 - so feel a bit "fish out of water".
When you left your parents home and struck out on your own, what was that like? A bit/very scary? But also a bit/very exciting? But sometimes did you want to go back?
And you did do just fine, found your way through and made a life for yourself.
This is sort of the same situation, so, maybe look inside yourself and find the exciting feelings that are there... it took me a while to find them, but they were there, to my surprise. I felt a wee bit guilty when I finally acknowledged them, that they would take away from my M, what it meant, what it was. They didn't though, they were feelings for NOW, they weren't affecting or part of the past.
I hope you can find the sparks of excitement and grow them into a fire. It'll take time, and lots of cycling through the stages of grief, but you can do it!
What helped me was re-framing my sitch into "she has died" (and in a way, that is true). She is dead, un-available, gone, how does that perception change how *I* go about the future?
Those pictures will become less strong, that is the beauty of NC. Even though I "have" to have contact with stbxw because of the kids, but not outside of them or the D business, the pictures of her are fading, I rarely think about her except after contact, and even that is short lived. It does get better, let time, have time.
And remember, mentally and emotionally healthy people don't just cut and run like your H did.
It wasn't you, at the end of the day, it's his internal demons.
What some new activity you can try? Something outside your comfort zone? Do a couple of those and it will help you with your self-confidence I think.
Hang in there!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I can echo T2's statement - it's a little scary/exciting and there are feelings of guilt (not sure why) at first.
But there's a whole world out there. Lots of exciting things. Fun things. Scary things. Things that make life worth living and interesting.
Waiting for you to find them.
Quote:
And remember, mentally and emotionally healthy people don't just cut and run like your H did.
It wasn't you, at the end of the day, it's his internal demons.
Uh, yeah. Since my ex left that Mother's day, I've had a chance to observe more and more couples and I've dated and learned. One thing I've learned is that what I saw with ex was nowhere near "normal" and still isn't. Nobody "normal" would say or do those things. In most of the couples I've seen, they just don't do that. I have a seen a few similar. I'm going to a party tonight with a friend who has experienced similar. To a house with a couple who used to be married and are throwing a party together as a family. For them, it's years later and they've become friends again and truly wish the best for each other. And the world turns..
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks Mirage, Job, kml, tsquared and AJM for the pep talks - I needed a shove forwards.
I have pounded the beach every day, survived Christmas and heading towards leaving this year behind in a few days time.
Can't say anything has changed much - I really don't like where I am staying, I am used to having my own home, my own space, so a bedroom in my brothers house is not exactly ideal - but beggars cant be choosers and I am grateful for him taking me.
Skyped with my sx2 on Christmas Day, we stuck to safe subjects - what presents they got etc. I did not ask after H and they did not talk about him either.
The more time I spend with other couples, the more I see my relationship was (before all of this) good, we were so on the same level and "got" each other. This has made the whole sitch even more confusing and I miss him more. I know its early days for me ... which is a demoralizing thought .... it does still seem so surreal, and not helped by the fact we were used to being apart when he was in the forces, so it feels like he is on deployment and will be back soon -
Once Christmas and New Year is over I will try and decide what I want to do for the next few months - was booking a ticket back to NZ yesterday ... but know that would be a mistake. I need to give it time and keep getting through each day - go back to basics ..hour by hour if necessary.
