Ellie, Cathy, Karen....Thanks so much for you comments and support. Boy do I need it!
This depression thing confuses me. I know that not all people with depression feel like they cannot get out of bed and just mope around. So the majority of his tourment is contained in his head. I wonder how much is family is aware. I have thought about calling his sister who I am still close with. That is interferring in my mind. Of course I would be lying if I didn't think that calling her wouldn't give me more information to go on. Would that be raising a red flag to his family and then what?
How does one over come depression? Is it necessary to seek help or meds? Can a person pull themselves out on their own?
WOW Karen you bring up some good points. One of my fears is that I haven't been able to express my feelings and someday I will just explode. Maybe that is not a bad thing? I feel like just picking up the phone and going through my list of issues: Lack of commitment, faithfulness, respect, communication. I don't know that I could do that calmly now (maybe because it has gone on too long), so I don't want to be yelling "AND ANOTHER THING..." That is not respectful and that is not me either. I need to find a good way to let him know my issues. I don't want this to fester in me and then become resentful. I have done this in the past. That is something I have worked hard to overcome. The resentment would come out in some unrelated situation and would add to confusion, which in turn gave me justification to continue to hold resentment. YUCK
I also have an problem with trying to protect his feelings. Oh I don't want to tell him he is a lying cheating a$$ with the things he has done, cause that might make him feel bad. And wow that brings some other issues to light. So what I'm really saying is that I have more RIGHT to control his emotions than he does. Can you say CONTROLING? That is not good. There is probably a good dose of fear in there too. Fear of his reaction. That that might be the thing that sets him off and he would leave for good. DAHH I've already lost him.
I have more work to do.
In April I am going to FL for a work related conference. I am going early to hang out in the sun. I have invited H to join me. Last week I bought a little travel size bottle of sunscreen and wrote all over it about having fun in the sun with me; and even more fun in the room! etc.... H called me last night to thank me for sending that. I said well get on line and make your reservations. I didn't wait for his response that he couldn't/wouldn't come and in a joking voice said, "oh I know, you have to work." he said he does have to work blah blah blah. It was a fun tone conversation. I told him, "well I'm going to be there having fun" if you want to join me, then let me know." I told him to have some fun and live a little. H works about 80 hours a week. I ended the phone call.
I did email him some pictures I took of S playing paintball this weekend. This morning he pages me: H: I forgot to thank U for the pictures of J. XXXOOOXXX W: Glad U liked them. W: XXXOOOXXX to you too! I like that!
hugs and kisses??? I'm confused.
Yes, Karen I would love to shake the cr@p out of him. I would love to lock ourselves in a room and just let it all out. I feel like we are at the corner, but we just can't seem to make the turn. I really feel that we are really close and we could have a new R. He is just not ready to make the choice. Maybe part of it is that he feels that would be admitting that he was wrong?
Ok, well that is enough philosophy for today. Thoughts??????
