Just time for me to journal a bit. I have so many thoughts and confusion. I am frustrated. I am tired.
Thank you in advance for making it through this post. And MANY thanks in advance if you have comments or advice as I need both.
Last time I posted, H had stayed at the house overnight. That was two weeks ago. I didn't hear from him until the following Sunday.
We have a nice conversation. I was in bed reading when he called and he asked what I was reading. I was reading a book called The Bonds that Make Us Free It talks about how being honest with ourselves actually sets both parties free to experience each other. And how our thoughts direct our actions. (I highly recommend this book) Any way, as we are talking about lying in general, H says that he lies to himself and others and uses that as a justification for his actions.
Then at another point in our conversation we were talking about kids, not ours but can't remember how it came up. H says we should have a baby. Water, get your tubes untied and have a baby. Then he says, no, YOU have a baby; raise it and let me know when it is 18. (the underlying message is that he doesn't think he was a good father, so I'll raise it) Our YOUNGEST is 19. We are days from being D. We don't live in the same state. A BABY!! Are you CRAZY? I calmy said, you really want a baby, he said well I need to keep my lineage going.
I let that one drop like a hot potatoe. I know he is not serious, but what the he!! is going through his mind to even verbalize that to me.
We had talked about plans for the weekend. Our son plays paintball and was playing in a tournement in Huntington Beach. H mentioned that he was thinking about going down. I told him I was going and had a hotel. Did he want me to pick him up at the airport and stay with me? YES he says.
Monday night he calls late and says that his cousin had died that day. I was in shock. I asked what had happened. H said that he had open heart surgery that day and didn't make it. Ok, I didn't even know he was having surg. Shows how much H is sharing with me. I didn't know what to say. His cousins family lives on the east coast, but H does not say if he is going back for the funeral or anything. He just says that there is nothing to say and that he needs to go to bed and hung up.
I called and left a message the next day on his VM that I wanted him to know that I was here for him if he needed anything and that I didn't think I did a good job of that the night before and the he and his family were in my prayers.
I don't hear from H all week. Friday comes and I am still planing on going to Southern Cal to watch son play. It is about a 7 hour drive, and S was so sweet. He was already down there, so he called me Fri night to see where I was and if I was ok.
Saturday I am on my way to the tournament and H calls. He sounds down. We talk about a house he put an offer on and blah blah stuff. Then as we are talking about the tournament so far H says, Oh my flight gets in at 3:00. I'm going to friend Gary's birthday, so I'll be able to kill two birds with one stone. I ask if he needs to be picked up. He says he was just going to get a car because he doesn't want to inconvience me. I told him I would not offer if I thought it was an inconvience. "Do you need a place to stay?" I was going to stay with Gary. "Oh, whatever." Why are you offering? "yes". OK
It was almost as if HE wanted reassurance or go throught this whole process instead of just saying Hey does your offer still stand? H told me that he was going to go out to dinner or go surfing on Sun morning with Gary for his birthday. As far as I know, he didn't even call Gary. He didn't go out to dinner with him and he didn't go surfing. Was he trying to make me think he has plans in case I say NO? It ends up I couldn't pick him up because of the times that S games were. We hung out all afternoon/evening and watched the games. H stayed with me at hotel. There is NO problem with our attraction to each other. We were starving and yet let the food we bought go cold.... We snuggled all night and he commented on how nice it was. In the morning after more we were saying we needed to get up, but I didn't want to. H asked why not, I said because I like the way your skin feels and the way you smell and your lips kissing me. No response from H. I can tell the uncomfortable feeling that created, so I get up and take a shower. In the shower, it just got the best of me. I started crying (pms didn't help either). When I got out H could tell and asked what was wrong. I wasn't going to say "nothing" cause its SOMETHING. I tell him that I get caught up in the emotion and it hurts me that we are not at the same place. I told him that our has been so incredible. That I have let totally go and not holding anything back and that scares me. H asked why. I told him that it means something different to me than it does to him. I don't want to do that with a friend. I told him I understand that H is not in the same place as me and that I need to be patient. It just hurts me and that I'm an emotional caring person and I still have a lot of feelings for him. That I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but he asked and I'm being honest.
No comment from H. Not about what I said or what he feels. He did come over and give me a big hug.
We go about the rest of the day at the tournament. A couple of interesting comments by H. One was we were sitting in the stands waiting for S's team to play and H went to check that they would be playing on that field. The stands were pretty full and there was a person directing people where to sit and not letting people in if the stands were too full. The guard almost wouldn't let H back in. H tells him, "my wife is in the stands saving my seat." Now, he could have said that any number of ways and he didn't even have to tell me about it.
Another time there must have been 4 or 5 people who walked by with little kids. H makes the comment that everyone is having kids, in a tone that is not understanding why they would do that. I said, "I thought you wanted another baby"? He says Yeah right, cause I'm such a good dad.
After the last game of the tournament (S's team came in 2nd) H had to leave to get to the airport. We really didn't even get to say goodbye. Once he got in his car he called me to thank me for letting him stay with me. We talked a bit about the tournament. I told him that I had fun with him too.....silence.......H say's "ok, well let me know when you get home, drive safe." I called H a few minutes later to tell him that I took a day off from work and have done some stuff that needed to be done with HIS business. He just says OK.
Now I know the reason I called back was that I was wanting SOMETHING from him. Wanting him to appreciate or express something, anything. I know..whack whack whack. Good DBers don't expect anything, they put their feelings aside. I wanted something and didn't get it. Again, I was left feeling empty and alone. I felt like, when am I going to get it.... H leaves me after 19 yrs of marriage, has OW, files for a D. HHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOO Wake up and smell the coffee girl, he doesn't want me!!! Saturday evening we were standing on the pier watching S play on the beach below and it was freezing! I wanted so bad for H to put his arm around me to keep me warm.... nothing. I don't know, it just seems that sleeping with someone kind of puts you in a different place? It's not like he doesn't want to touch me. Is it just mindless sex? I could get that anywhere if I wanted, or he!! do it myself without the hassle.
S was going to ride home with me after the tournament but then had to go with his team instead. I called H to let him know I would be driving alone. He asked me to call him when I got home and to stop if I was at all tired as it just isn't worth trying to keep going if I got tired. I said, Ah is that you worrying about me? in a joking voice and laughed. He said call me when you get home.
I drove the 7 hours home and after some intense conversations with God, got in about 1:30am. I called, but his phone was off. So I guess he would worry about me in the morning? I left a message that I made it.
Whew, I think that just about covers things. I don't know where to go from here. I am tired of a one sided relationship. Do we even have a relationship? He doesn't seem to want to share anything except sex. Wants me to keep saying, Yes H, I want to see you.
I am trying to accept that he is my STBEXH and I need to move on with my life without him. If he wants a R with me, then he knows my phone number. I'm tired, very tired.
There is NO problem with our attraction to each other. We were starving and yet let the food we bought go cold.... 
