Jim0987 #8 - A bit clearer on the rebuild

[edz]

Hi Jim

I know exactly what you mean on the the doing things as a couple, I had exactly the same situation with my W. I'd suggest let's go out and I'd get back what about S?

Mysteriously her Mum would never be free *that* day (W of course hadn't checked) and any suggestions on babysitting got knocked down straight away. If we were doing anything it had to be all of us. This is one of the root causes of my relationship with s being so awful (displaced frustration at w never setting time aside for our relationship) and also one of the reasons that I believe brought us to this point.

As to counselling same deal as you, W didn't want to know back in July as she said nope this is what she wanted and was happy at her mothers, definitely the right decision - this lasted a month before she was in tears at her situation.

I suggested counselling again in August/September when we were in "I think I may want to move back but I'm not sure if I just want to get away from my mum" time (I guess she just wanted to get away from her mum then) and she said it sounded like an idea, I got as far as discussing going as a family but of course it then just petered out as soon as I got dates and times so I just went to my own session for me.

I know we have different scenarios but a lot of the WAS playbook sure does track on all of our experiences it seems (this is indeed covered in the books).

I agree with your thoughts on negativity though try to work toward minimising them, in the above cases it's not necessarily true that you were awful and that was the cause but, and here I'm talking about my sitch, that communications weren't working at the time.

As an example from my r: I'd say 'what's wrong', w would say 'nothing, I'm fine', I'd say 'no you're not' and it would end with 'leave me alone or I won't be'.

In the case of going out I'd say 'let's go out', she'd say 'I don't want to go out without s', I'd say 'well we can do something together this weekend but I'd like us to go out for dinner' etc, she'd say 'I'll think about it'.

Then we wouldn't and she'd either deny the conversation took place or return to not wanting to go out without s.

I own that w had been trying to tell me of issues between s and I for *a long* time and I hadn't picked it up, I wasn't ignoring her but I was so deep into a spiral of being pushed away and getting frustrated, pursuing and getting more frustrated and pushing s away that it wasn't registering I think.

I also know w hadn't been listening to me on needing to be a couple with time apart from s to just to be 'us' for an equally long time. In your sitch I'd look to see if you have parallels and if you find yourself going negative look to see the change, 180 etc that could happen and think about that instead (not necessarily with w just for you).

That's what I'm attempting anyway, sometimes its working better than others!

As to what your daughter said if she was with her granny all weekend then you could possibly bring it up in a non confrontational way "D3 said she was with granny all weekend, I'd like to have spent that time with her this close to Christmas but its good for her to see her Grandparents, we can reschedule if you find you've got something you can't get out of just let me know and we'll discuss." or something similar and less waffly, any vet's have an opinion on that one?

Edz