Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[mustardseed]

I love your Harry Potter musings. There is always lots of gray. I have a hard time with understanding the gray. I can love too much and I can hate too much, but getting to the point of accepting that he is who he is, and right now he isn't for me is very tough for me. I spend the weekend away from him hating him--called the lawyer to make an appointment (but she wasn't in the office so I will have to call again tomorrow, and then I saw him and my heart warmed again. Why? He isn't being nice to me, but he isn't being nasty. My paranoia from the weekend that he was hanging out with other women subsided as soon as I came home and it was almost like that was enough to make me second guess my decision to file. Who cares if he is having an A or not? Who cares if he still is capable of being a decent human being in certain situations? Those are not reasons to stay in a marriage.

I think I need to go back to goal setting. Not to save my marriage, but to end it. I was doing that over the summer and I was in a really good place. But then he reeled me back in just long enough for me to forget those goals and this last heartache has sent me into a bad pattern of focusing more on him than me. Because I am so angry, and bitter, and resentful, and impatient and I feel the need to hate--to block out any hint of gray or white and just see the black. But all I am doing is making myself miserable.