Big question and moral delimma

[mustardseed]

I think the problem is that you completely disregarded her issues. You did the opposite of validating. You asked her for a list, then said, "Ok. Got it. I agree I could do better. Now here is everything wrong with you." It almost seems as if your whole reason for having her write up a list for you was so you could pile on her with your own list.

If you are DBing you are supposed to be convincing your WAS that they are a fool to leave you. I think your response did the opposite and instead convinced her that the marriage is doomed.

As a woman who was a SAHM before my kids were in school, your issue with keeping the house clean rubbed me the wrong way. Being a SAHM with young kids is very different from being a housewife. Honestly, becoming a working mom was a lot easier because at least I had a break. I was lucky if I even made it into the shower once a day, much less had a clean house. Imagine you doing your full time job at home and still being excepted to keep the house clean. Now add in 3 little people who spend the entire time you are working, making a mess. Do you really think you would be able to keep the house clean and still do your job. Being a stay at home mom (when kids are home not in school) requires you to be on 24/7, no break. If you are lucky they might take naps at the same time, I never had more than 20 minutes of overlap nap time when they were little, and that was barely enough time to pick up the mess they made before the nap, much less tend to other household needs.

I don't mean to berate you, a lot of people don't get it. I hear working mother's always complaining about how much easier SAHMs have it, I've been both and believe me being a working mother--while not easier--is certainly a lot more sanity saving because at least you get a lunch break and some alone time while you commute. I loved being home with my kids, but it was surprising how little I was able to get done. So I think that first, not giving her issues proper validation and time for you to really let it sink in, followed by giving her a list that comes across as a bit dismissive probably wasn't the best idea if your goal is to save your marriage.

Next time she opens up, even if it hurts, resist your urge to be dismissive or defensive and just listen. You don't have to agree, but you should try to understand and let her know that you are hearing her. You both have some valid issues, but right now you are the one who wants to save this marriage so you need to be the one to demonstrate the willingness to understand her.