Jim0987 #8 - A bit clearer on the rebuild

[jim0987]

So i got home late this evening and my W asked about the agreement as she hadnt seen the email before she left work. (she was still up unusually and had had a few G&Ts)

I said there were some things i wasnt happy with and then corrected myself to say that i was uncomfortable with. She wanted to discuss it - I asked her to wait a couple of minutes (while i went upstairs and got my game face on)

so we discussed my concerns as laid out in early posts. I stayed very calm, quite cool and stood leaning back on the kitchen counter with wide and open body language. What i will say is that i dont think i did any validation during this it was quite confrontational but at the same time quite business like.

A couple of times I felt myself starting to bite, but i caught it and had this stock phrase in my head to stop me getting drawn into an arguement
'have a look at the draft, we can send it back and forth as many times as we need to get something we are both comfortable with'

I must have said this 30 times during the conversation.

A lot of the time she kept talking about the process, and thats how the process works. particularly if i said something she disagreed with she would say thats not what her solicitor says, or thats not how the process works. she also went to great lengths to tell me how reasonable she is being.

She was very resistent to a couple of things
- anything that seemed like me taking more control of things (moving direct debits to my account, taking my name off the joint account)
- anything that affected her planned timeline
- things that attempt to resolve matter prior to formal divorce proceedings. she seemed determined that finances will stay on the table after I've given her a big wadge of cash.

At the end of the conversation we got stuck in a loop

W: well it has to be signed so i can move and it has to be reasonable, i'm not signing anything thats not reasonable (variations on this including odd mention of solicitors)
M: have a look at the draft, we can send it back and forth as many times as we need to get something we are both comfortable with

we must have gone round this loop at least 10 times. before eventually she said that she would look at the draft and get back to me, and then thanked me for the 'prompt feedback.'

So all in all i feel like it went pretty well considering how unpleasant a topic it is. (I'm sure someone will tell me i've got that wrong). I'm sure it will be twisted to fit whatever narrative she wants but i think it was ok. I didnt agree to anything or back down on any of my concerns.

I will say that there is a enormous current of mistrust between the two of us, its really disconcerting.