barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

New thread #6:

end of the last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2519701#Post2519701

Thanks to everyone that has helped me here, either directly or indirectly. I don't know where I'd be without this group right now.

Quick summary of the current situation
M - ouch
A - ouch
W - seemingly indifferent
S20 - flying away
S17 - unaware
D14 - avoiding everything

I am still standing

[u-turn]

not so quick summary:

pre-august 2013: mostly normal traditional family life. I went through some times of over working and not spending enough time at home because of it. Underdone birthdays, mothers days, and anniversaries. We seldom talked about our problems, sulked and got over them.

August 2013: W started a new job with great opportunities, salary and future. Our roles at home changed which I though I was fine with and thought I was. I didn't know to what extent her time would be taken and how much she would be gone. I held some resentment for this and was not mentally prepared. I transferred this to the kids. I created an unhappy home.
January 14: I thought I was getting better with our changed roles, but W did not think so. She started going out with people more.

January 25, 2014: we were supposed to go on a date night and she came home from the store, set everything on the table and left to go have drinks with a recently divorced male friend of hers and I didn't take it well. I felt that I trusted her but did not trust him. I thought he had different intentions. When she came home very late I asked her how her date was. I have never had jealousy before and I didn't know how to handle it. I apologize, explained that it was him that I didn't trust and on and on. This was our turning point

February-March, 2014: she became more distant and at time non-existent at home. going to overnight work functions etc.. I pleaded with her to accept my apologies. She was texting and e-mailing "work" stuff all night.

March 15, 2014: I discovered text messages from OM (her co-worker that she has work contact with every day) - devastation

March 30, 2014: while on a family vacation, she was continuing to text OM. I gathered evidence and called her out on the affair. She denied nothing, said she was in love with him, didn't mean for it to happen, blah blah blah. I was devastated again.

April 2014: cried, forgave, gave her time to make up her mind, she gave me nothing.

May-July: more of the same, I was an emotional wreck, I was destroying the family, I was destroying my business. It was all my fault. She thought I was weak (she told me that a couple weeks ago). She said that she was sorry it happened, but I knew it was still happening. from time to time she said she was trying to quit him. I thought I could love my way out of this. She will see that it was a mistake. Meh. I was taking care of everything, house, kids, she was figuring things out.

I discovered DB!!!!

August-November: weakly applied DBing. I was feeling better, but life was not better. I was getting better at DBing as time went along, I am GAL, I am busy, I am content with taking care of everything.

December 20: OM still in picture. W still having affair. She has made her decision and doesn't want to fix it. We will end this after the holidays.

I don't want this. I still think we can fix this. sad

Sad to write this. I'm leaving out so many details that this reminds me of.

Onward!!

[u-turn]

I kick myself because I cannot stop thinking of what I want. I fight myself against telling her that I still love her and can forgive her. I can put my anger aside.

I mentioned to her that she had nightmares last night - showing her that I care. Still poured her a cup of coffee this morning. These are just things that I do (I have always done). I'm don't know if this makes her think that I'm accepting and ok with her decisions.

Bit of an obsessive and down day so far - again.
Sun's out for a change of pace and not too cold - getting outside - walking that lazy dog.

[paul19510]

U-turn, you sound like you are making progress. At this point continue to shape you life in ways that make you happy and keep you being the great dad you want to be. Assume she has made her decision and is not coming back. What would you do if you suddenly found that you could do anything? (Erase W from the scenario...imagine she's been abducted by aliens or something...nothing sinister) what would you do to make you and the kids feel happy and safe.

Maybe its time to stop doing so much for her....pouring her coffee....just a thought. She's. Made some choices. How does she experience the results of those choices if you continue to provide the exact life she had.

Whatever you did or didn't do it doesn't justify cheating on you. Learn from the person you were....don't. Aplogize for it. Feel yourself growing stronger. Not because it'll get herback but because YOU WILL GET YOURSELF BACK....peace.

[Rick1963]

"I kick myself because I cannot stop thinking of what I want. I fight myself against telling her that I still love her and can forgive her. I can put my anger aside"

I imagine you are in a lot of pain to say this^^^. The beginning is the hardest part. The fear will get you. We all been through it. You do not seem to be following Sandi's 37 rules? I strongly recommend that you do. Stop fighting her. Stop fighting yourself. Time to look and feel strong. You must show strength. If she senses any weakness from you she will use that to rationalize her affair and decision to leave you. If she is living under the same roof you should have strong boundaries regarding OM. Do you have any in place?

[u-turn]

Paul - thanks!
I do feel like progress is being made in the way that I actually feel like she is not coming back - I don't think she will allow herself to. She would have to have some grand epiphany at this point. I know of no other way.

I am coming to terms with this and "getting through" the holidays for the kids. The trouble that I'm having with this is it is all fake to me and it makes me bitter.

I am through apologizing. She has heard it before, I don't think I need to say it again. She knows I have taken responsibility for my faults and cannot change the past.

I do need to get myself back

[u-turn]

Rick -thanks! - this is painful to say and unfortunately I feel like this is all new again, like a 2nd or 3rd bomb drop.

I know to be strong - I have not shown this before. I have issues with me seeming petty if I start refusing to do things that I have always done (but I think I must get over that) - for some reason I still want to prove myself to be valuable and unaffected.

I have set boundaries (I will not live in an open marriage) - and she was hiding things pretty well - though I still had suspicions. She now has completely disregarded them and I have to enforce them.

She has asked me to get through the holidays for the kids and we will figure this out after. She has the capability to act as if nothing in the world is wrong when everything is falling apart. She wants me to also, but I am not that way. She is getting everything she wants.

I do not fight her - but I have battled myself all year - and she is seemingly unscathed.

(way way back in my mind, I cannot get rid of the thought that this will all work out and we will be great together - That is holding me back)

[Rick1963]

The only thing you can do at this time is take care of you and the kiddos. Your expectations of getting back together are really harmful. Not saying to lose hope. Just drop the expectations. The way I saw it was to become kind of self centered. Just worry about me and my daughter. Let ex do what ever. After a while I stopped thinking about what she was doing. Never asked her. I actually had to ask her to stop cooking and serving me dinner while we were divorcing. I started separating our lives. I would shop for myself and cook.I went to parties, saw my family more often. Did road trips.Crazy times...

[T-Mom]

u-turn,
Ok, so I found this new thread! I just wanted to let you know that I am going through all of that stuff in my house right now, too. H has expressed that he wants to leave after winter, and financially, that is the best solution for him. Christmas? Christmas day will be just the three of us. My son gets enough to know that there are (and always have been) issues with the relationship. I don't even want to spend Christmas with H, but I have to for our son.

[paul19510]

Rick, you comments go in kine exactly with that authors like MWD and David Schnarch talk about. During times like this, tend to yourself...meals, laundry, entertainment...etc. do your own thing...you don't have to be mean or angry about it...just do your own thing....