All~ Well think I have sufficently beat myself up over the past few days events.
H is right about my snooping. I don't trust him. His actions don't create that. I felt like in our conversation yesterday that he felt free to use that as an excuse. "well, Laurie doesn't trust me, so see we shouldn't be together. You shouldn't be with someone you can't trust". But where is the thought process that Oh yeah, I"M NOT ACTING TRUSTWORTHY?
I really need to learn to PAUSE before I act. The phone call yesterday was not a good thing at that time. Both H and I agreed that having that R talk was a good thing. But I should have had a plan. I told him that OW loves him for crying out loud. That did nothing but make me look like a jealous fool. I should have had a plan as to what I wanted to say rather than just start talking with my heart.
When the final D papers come I will sign them. I will reply to H's email. Here is what I have come up with.
H- I have signed the divorce papers and returned them.
There are some other strings that we should take care of as well. I have paid your car insurance for March (270.00) You should probably look for a new policy as this one won't cover you if we are not married. Does this sound kind of like I am throwing this in his face? I'm open to suggestions here. I have been paying his car insurance cause I always thought in the end, it wouldn't matter as we would be together. It will be awhile before I am able to complete my company taxes and then carry that over to be able to have personal taxes prepared. You may want to just go ahead and have your personal taxes prepared as single. OK, this really sounds bad to me. But that is the reality. Yes, we could file MARRIED for 03, but we were S and didn't combine finances at all. Should I at this point take the stance of here are your realities? I will put together the files for your business and forward all of that to you. This is a CLEAR message that I will not be helping him with his business any longer. It all seems so mean. Like, OK H your deciding to go through with the D and now I'm taking back every offer to help you I've ever made. And why do I want to continue to help you? Once the Divorce is final you will no longer be covered under my dental or vision insurance plans.
H, I have held out the hope that we would be able to start NEW without going through this.
The ball is in your court. If you want to continue to see and feel the changes I have made within myself and will continue to make, well you know where to find me.
I hope this is able to provide you peace.
Always Water
I am really torn between being nice, which is normally what I do and feeling like I am cutting everything off with him. I guess I think that if I were H I would feel like Oh now because of this D, she has changed her whole tune and is now done. That somehow he thinks it shouldn't matter. I guess I just feel icky about the whole letter. It is not me, nor what I want.
Please give any comments you can. This is a whole new game and I'm not sure of the rules. Does this give the impression that I am TOTALY walking away? I am going to go dark unless he contacts me. At least for a while. I know there were so many positives and he seemed to be reaching out to me. I will continue to be there for him IF he reaches out to me.
