I will not get as personal with mine (I do not want to escalate your emotions much more). and this is NOT a bitchlist....OK it is...
I have put myself in you shoes and I understand the validity of your concerns. I am not here to make excuses for my behavior.
It seems that we have both done things to withdraw from each other, which [censored]. some of the things that caused me to do this were...
1. failing to rescue the condo. We budgeted the income of it to be able to take care of HOA's taxes and the payments.
2. Finding out that you MAY have had me followed 2-3 years ago and going through my texts (same reason you were granted a PPO) and phone numbers on the Verizon account.
3. Not keeping the house clean when you were a stay at home mom.
4. Opening up credit cards under my name without asking or consulting about it with me.
5. Multiple Facebook accounts (of which you started blocking me from over a year ago).
6. Constant calls from friends and relatives regarding collection accounts.
7. My line of credit was always in the negative.
8. The abandonment of your core friends, and convincing the new ones that I am some monster (Alison hates my guts).
9. OUR inability to compromise.
10. taking our kids to Florida and keeping them away from me for two weeks during an important holiday.
11. not allowing me to do simple things with you.... Laundry, picking out furniture and painting...working out... (to me these are things that we should do together...time away from the kids to do small things together).
12 We have never set GOALS!!!
13. Finding out that you may have POSSIBLY, committed a very serious offense at your old employer.
14. hiding mail from me... and finding out about overdrawn accounts, of which I knew nothing about.
15. $16500 in judgments at the district court
16. Not taking responsibility for OUR actions.... not just you.... but ME as well.
17. Not a single apology for letting me sleep on the couch for 11 months.
Every time I found out a little more, the more withdrawn I became (my fault for not being responsible to address with you)
It was NEVER my intention to keep things from you.... I do not want to be like your mom and Step father, with separate accounts. It was always... and still is my intention to do things together... Make joint decisions. Be a team. be a loving couple and work on our issues together.
Things I didn't understand about marriage, But am learning everyday is:
1. To love you unconditionally for who you are and If I want you to change, I first have to SHOW you a reason to first, by changing myself. (which I am doing every day)
2. To give true and deep forgiveness.... Which I have (and I pray for you to do at some point as well).
3. Take time for us....
4. Be willing to compromise.
The list looks large, but it is not impossible to address. These are issues that we can tackle together!!!! During my research the last 63 days, I still have not found anything that says we cannot make this work. It will take a commitment from both of us... and a major lowering of pride... I am doing this.... and I honestly pray multiple times a day that you will too. I ask God daily to touch your heart and soften it towards me. I ask that His will be done and pray for the restoration of our family.
I just ask, that you PLEASE put yourself in my shoes and try to see things from a slightly different perspective (my views on our crisis), and have an understanding of my feelings.
We have both been hurt for a long time and it will take time and effort if you decide to do this. BUT IT CAN BE DONE.... I just ask that you consider it. This is a major step if both of us are willing.
For what its worth, I can count on one hand and 1 finger on the other how many beers I have had in the last 52 days.
It feels good to get this off my chest, and I am sorry for taking so long to do this... Going forward, I hope we can have honest and calm discussions about what hurts, when we step on each others toes.
If you are willing to sit down, I would eventually like to talk about these... a little at a time.
In the meantime, I would like to have "date nights" to reconnect and build trust (the intimacy will come LATER).... No pressure or talks about what went wrong. I want to know how you are. and what's happening in your everyday life.. I want to know how Cori is doing.... I want to do fun things that we have neglected to do for the longest time (bowling, movies... ).
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
