I was told by a realtor that I do not make enough money per month to qualify. This hit me pretty hard and sent me into a tailspin of emotion.
Faith, is this based solely on your own income, or does it include any potential assistance from H? If you were D, he'd have to pay CS. Is he willing to give you anything else? How far away would you have to go to be able to afford your own place? Does that take S8 out of his school district?
It's a tough situation to be in. Hang in there. You'll be OK.
My WAH left so suddenly. I knew we had issues and the stress of planning our wedding was taking a huge toll. But is it also possible to have a MLC at only 25?
Yes - It would be a quarter life crisis. However there is nothing different for you to do whether it is or isn't.
Sounds like you have lots to figure out for such a young age.
The only thing I can advise is to keep moving forward for you and your son. If you dont have the answers just yet then have patience and you will see the right path.
It is based solely on my income. Because H and I were not married very long, I would get maybe 4 months worth of spousal support and no CS bc S8 is from a previous relationship. The realtor also said that it's not about having money in the bank, but about not making enough money to sustain some place long term. I.e. even if I had money in the bank from H, and there was an emergency or that money ran out, I could survive on my income, but just barely. And that makes renters nervous.
I would have to go a few towns away to afford a place, which would change S8's life a lot. School, afterschool, friends, etc. It's such a tough spot to be in.
I took this job at a school district because it would be good for a family and because H could support me during the 2 months in the summer when I won't be getting a paycheck at all.
I had only been working there 3 weeks when BD came...
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Hey Cadet, what does moving forward look like? Moving out of the house? Signing a lease somewhere? Dating? I feel like all of these things are moving in the opposite direction of trying to save my marriage. Does that make sense?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Hey Cadet, what does moving forward look like? Moving out of the house? Signing a lease somewhere? Dating? I feel like all of these things are moving in the opposite direction of trying to save my marriage. Does that make sense?
Here is the thing about moving forward. YOU get to decide what it looks like. Not me! Not your WAS. It could be some of the above things but it could be other options too. It could be a new job, or a new hobby. I have read many books from the library. Taken many courses for free on the internet.(coursera) Gotten involved in genealogy.
You could volunteer, become a big brother or sister, help out in a soup kitchen, hospital or church activity.
Go mountain climbing or surfing. Join a meetup group for a new interest.
And I understand that some of the things maybe opposite of saving your marriage but believe me when I say that 180's are counter intuitive.
I too struggled with what changes I should make. Because someone told me that if you are an alcoholic and the change you make is switching from vodka to light beer. that may not be the most valuable change to make.
So take your time, think about what would be valuable for YOU. And make some changes.
I have a question on this topic. I was always the Distancer in the M, especially the end. I would play hard to get and pull away (physically and emotionally) which was one of my H's complaints. Wouldn't it be a 180 to be the pursuer for once? I am afraid that continuing to be the Distancer might just continue to push him away?
Well basic DB'ing says that you can try it - monitor the results and adjust accordingly.
So if you re-read the posts that I put on the pursuit and distance thread, you will see that everyone is either a pursurer or distancer in different traits.
What you may be saying above is that you distanced and then your husband pursued.
Re-read the traits, is there anything that you pursued and he distanced?
For instance "TRUST: Tends to be naive about relationships. Optomistic about other's motives. Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of."
or
"SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY:Overly responsible; Assumes to much resposibility for the relationship. Assumes solution is in their power with sufficient effort. Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) when tending to others. Tends to infantilze others. Is a "rescuer""
It is based solely on my income. Because H and I were not married very long, I would get maybe 4 months worth of spousal support and no CS bc S8 is from a previous relationship.
Faith, that's a tough spot to be in. Is H still insisting that you leave the house? Are there any other relatives besides your parents you could go to? Is changing jobs an option? Could you look for a room mate? Something is going to work out.
So, I've read your thread, but one thing still isn't very clear to me - what does your H give as the reason for his sudden change of heart?
You say it came about after your bachelor party/bachelorette weekend? Is it connected to that in some way? Did you do something he didn't approve of (stripper-gram?) OR do you suspect HIM of being unfaithful (sleeping with a stripper?). It just seems unusual that it happened so suddenly at that point.
Now, it might just be that the pending "official" wedding didn't seem real until the bachelor weekend, and that gave him second thoughts. Or maybe his groomsmen tried to talk him out of it for some reason?
I'm also curious - what was the reason for the "secret" first wedding anyway? My sister got married this way - eloped, then came home and planned a "real" wedding without telling anyone they were already married. Her H cheated on her before the second wedding. (Eventually they divorced, several years later, and he has proven to be a prime example of "the sociopath next door").
Something is very not-right about this situation, and if it's not obviously attributable to something you did that he took legitimate offense at, then I'd start looking for the Other Woman.
Meanwhile - you DO need to figure out how to support yourself and your son. Even if your H comes to his senses and comes back, you really don't want him back until he can prove he will be constant and not a disruptive force in your child's life.
Do you get child support from your child's father? If not, can you be doing anything to get that?
I like the idea of a school-district job - that saves you from a lot of childcare expenses, and usually includes benefits. You can always get a part-time job in the summer if needed. But if it's not enough to support you right now, what can you do to earn extra money on the side? Can you babysit after school or evenings? Do you have any craft skills you could sell online? Resell thrift store finds on eBay?
Keep looking for a place - you might need to share a house with someone at first. Eventually you may be able to find a landlord who is willing to overlook your income. Take a look at these two resources to give you inspiration for managing your budget: The Tightwad Gazette books, and the mrmoneymustache website. Both of these will give you ideas and motivation to figure out how to live within your means and get ahead.
As far as leaving the house - he may have to evict you if you stay - that takes some time, as I understand it, so I'd stay put as long as you can and save up your pennies.
Also - look into what you would qualify for once you are divorced, in terms of things like food stamps, head of household tax filing, earned income credits etc. You might be able to increase your exemptions next year and take home a larger paycheck, which would look better to landlords.
If you're not good with numbers, find a friend who IS and get them to help you to put together a budget and figure out how you can live on your income.
And btw, I'm not expressing any opinion about whether H will come back or not - just saying that the more YOU are able to be financially independent, the more POWER you have in your life and relationships.
Feeling incredibly frustrated. H hasn't seen S8 in a week. H is working on Christmas and then going out of town for IDK how long, and today on his day off he hasn't tried to see S8. I have no idea how someone who calls themselves a dad could act like this. On one of his only chances in 2 weeks to see his son, how can he spend his free time doing something other than, well, seeing his son. S8 has been waiting for him to call all day and as it gets later and later I am getting more and more angry.
With Christmas so close and this being so hard on S8, I am really really upset. It makes me feel like he is just an option and not a priority. I don't want to bring this up bc I know it will cause a fight, but seriously? My kid deserves some consistency in his life. Not another dad who chooses to come and go as he pleases.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
