I found an email that my W sent me in early August, one month before BD and one week before her new job and meeting OM. That day, I was out at an amusement park with D6 for the day (D6 had won 2 tickets), W was home with D3 and I was giving W the silent treatment for not trying to solve our fights in the past months. She was distressed by this. Here are a few excerpts.

"I can't remember the last time I was this unhappy about our relationship. I'm reaching out to friends for support. I wonder if we are really, at bottom, mismatched together. We both know how different we are, but such clashes are so terrible and destructive and the lack of communication makes it all so much worse."

"I can't believe how much I can hate you, how much I can hurt you, how much I disappoint you or resent you. I feel such negativity emanating from us, like we are some toxic thing. I wish there was a way to take a break from each other without hurting each other. When I was on holiday I felt fine and happy. How can I be back and so miserable?"

"I don't care: I want to dull the pain. I can't leave, so I can only escape in my head: medication, reading, music, movies. Im sure this is costing you too, somehow. (...) When I think of you, I get nervous."

"Perhaps this is all stemming from my need to be understood. Which I feel you're not. Or if you do understand me, then you do not love what you see, you don't accept it."

"I've stopped expecting you to respond in any kind of way. Or just to expect your response will be satisfactory. That I'll ever get a response free from criticism, ever. It makes me even sadder."

She also mentions taking her meds and alcohol to numb the pain. W was not drinking at the time, especially not alone (ever).

M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.