And a special thanks and {{{hugs}}} to Kitti and Survival Goddess! We got to meet last night and have dinner and drinks. They are wonderful!
*****WARNING***** major venting and the following is not happy or positive. Just MANY questions and my recording my thoughts.
I am still processing this new turn in our roller coaster ride.
H was planning on being in CA this coming Monday. Last night he sent me a page saying that he would not be down. He was supposed be here for a meeting, but it got cancelled.
I did not respond. This bothers me. I would have normally respond with, well all the more reason you need to join me in Florida. Or some other similar suggestion.
Right now I am hurt. H, you changed the game, again, to suit YOUR needs.
I have this huge battle within myself right now. I AM hurt by this. I know that it is just a piece of paper and that in the grand scheme of things it may or may not matter. I'm having a hard time with the "act as if", "validate", "be happy". I'm tired. Then this wave of guilt comes over me that if I DON'T do these things, and give up, it WILL be over. I don’t want to feel that I am not responding because I am hurt. That just seems like it is playing games to me. You hurt me, so I’m not going to respond. That is one of the things I have worked hard to change about me. But then I would like to be able to have a normal conversation about this with H. HA
I don't think I feel like this will force us into just being friends or that it some sort of imaginary tether that is holding us together. For some weird reason I still feel a bond between us. Maybe it was the 5 days we just spent together? Maybe its just wishful thinking and I need to get with reality.
I think what bothers me is that in Nov he IMPLIED that the papers weren't being turned in. Since then we have reconnected even more AND even from 2 states away. Some people can't do that while living in the same house yet we seem to be making progress. Then without warning, discussion or anything just a casual mention of "oh we need to close out our past to start new" Well which is it H? Are we starting new? Starting new when you can't even tell me IN PERSON or even on the phone, you have to tell me in RESPONSE to an email I sent inviting you away! What if I didn't send an email? I know that is crazy making thoughts.....
I have no say or control in this whatsoever. H gets to decide if we D or not. And once again, I have to put my feelings aside and let it go. And for what? So that H can relieve his guilt? See if we D then the events with OW over the summer suddenly become less of an impact. Well it wasn't REALLY cheating, you were S and ended up D. So that just made him feel better. GREAT! and the cost? H gets to pay for his issues with MY feelings. While I “act as if”?
I will probably get back on track. I just need time to process this and getting these thoughts out helps.
