Card29 VIII

[Card29]

Agreed, Toots. I will say that I wasn't a miserable person pre-BD. I was thankful for lots of things in my life. Since I was a kid I wanted the M life, and most of the time during my M, I was content with it. There were just always those times, especially early in snowboard season and early in golf/lake season when I wished I was more free. I don't know if there was ever an extended period when I wanted to snowboard or play golf more than I wanted to be married to W. Early after BD, I was in my own fog and thought I remembered wanting out of the M for 3 or 4 years. I think there were three or four years when I had fleeting thoughts of wanting out, but more often than not, I was thankful to have W.

But post BD, the urge to want my M when I can't have it at the moment has been incredibly strong, stronger than anything I've ever felt. I read through my journal (which I started the 1st of Sept) for the first time today. I forgot about how many good days I really did have early in the fall. Some of that was buoyed by hope with WAW being so early in the process, and I don't want to rely on that same type of hope (living in hope, as uR puts it) again. But after reading it I know I can get back there again.

I'll make a thankful list:

- Thankful for a happy, healthy D2
- Thankful I have family in town, even though there is some dysfunction right now
- Thankful for a free place to stay until I get my finances a little more stable. I would be fine on my own in an apt right now, but I'm saving at least $1500 a month at the moment.
- Thankful for the wood-burning fireplace/stove that is in my guest suite. It has really cheered me up at night. It took me a couple nights of practice, but I had my first really good fire last night.