Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[Little]

*hug*

[Vanilla]

Lisa

I really think for your own peace of mind it's time to take a leaf from HPs strategy.

H, unless and until you are prepared to commit properly to your M then I do not want to meet you for lunch"

Or if that does not suit you
"Why do you want to meet for lunch H?"

KISS as wonks would say.
Smiling for you
Vanilla

[Maybell]

Lisa, you don't have to go just because he nags. You can tell him you need space for a while.

I know her sitch was different, but T0324 did it beautifully. She DB'd in the face of enormous provocation and hardship consistently through everything. All her friends and family reporting back what bad deeds her H was up to, etc. finally one day he was giving her a hard time and she just put up her hand and said "please don't insult me by denying X. We both know you are. I just want to make Y clear. That's all." Then she put down her hand and drove away.

I'm telling you, I stood up and cheered for her that day. She'd finally found her power.

It happens that a week later her H asked to come home. And really didn't know what she'd say. He scoped things out with her family before he went back.

Your H is being disrespectful in how he's treating you. He's acting like you should be glad to get demoted while he goes and plays. In my view, tell him no and tell him why. You will fell better for it.

Merry Christmas.

[LisaB]

Hi Maybell and Vanilla, thanks so much for your advice. I do feel the urge to do exactly that: say "no I don't want to be your buddy while you are off galavanting with multiple women" but I feel I cannot or should not. Here's why:

1. he considers us done, finished, over - to him the logic is not there for me to have claims on him or be "jealous"
2. I know what he has been up to mostly due to spying - therefore I cannot really reveal what I know or why I am so irritated

However I could simply say I need space and not give a reason why. That could work.

There is one reason I am interested in seeing him. In the past (since BD) when he has been very needy about wanting to see me he usually wanted to have an R talk. And the past few times this happened I reacted poorly. Instead of listening and validating I didn't listen at all and just started giving him an earful about how angry and hurt I was. This definitely pushed him away and back to looking for more OWs.

So I am curious about whether he has something to say now. And if he has something to say I hope I could listen instead of talking.

If he doesn't have something substantial to say I think I could easily tell him "well, it's nice to see you but I really don't have interest in being friends right now."

Thanks my friends!

hugs,
Lisa

[SunnyB]

1. he considers us done, finished, over - to him the logic is not there for me to have claims on him or be "jealous"

Lisa, be very careful with this one. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. My H is fond of saying something along the lines of, "you don't have any right to feel _____ (angry, jealous, etc.)". Feelings are not logical, they just are, and they are there for a reason. For your H or mine to shut them down just really rubs me the wrong way.

To think that you could actually listen to him and then say "thanks but no thanks" shows just how far you've come. Good job!

[LisaB]

Thanks rppfl! Nice to hear from you!

He can tell me how I should feel but I don't have to listen! I just realize it won't get me very far to voice my "feelings" if he thinks they are ridiculous. Last time I told him how I felt about his dating situation he told me I sounded "bitter".

W T F ?!?!!

"I'm not bitter, you are an a-hole" was pretty much my response. And actually he agreed and apologized. Well, ok.

I'm pretty much done with this silly game I think. Let's see.

Hugs, Lisa

[Vanilla]

Lisa

I really think for your own peace of mind it's time to take a leaf from HPs strategy.

H, unless and until you are prepared to commit properly to your M then I do not want to meet you for lunch"

Or if that does not suit you
"Why do you want to meet for lunch H?"

KISS as wonks would say.
Smiling for you
Vanilla

Lisa I didn't mention any OWs or that you knew or suspected anything.
These are the words I used with my H, and we are still in the same house (except it was an evening drink in H case, and I suspected all he wanted was a lift home)

Vanilla

[LisaB]

Thanks Vanilla, yes you are right. However I also don't feel very comfortable saying "I won't meet you until you commit to working on the M" or something like that. It has been 5 months since I have made any indication I was even open to the idea of being together. I have tried to make it clear that if he is moving on then I am too.

Maybe that was a dumb move from the beginning but I feel it would be strange to back track now. Even when he has said that he missed me and hinted that he may have made a mistake I didn't open up and say I agreed. Instead I usually whined about OWs.

Throughout this whole adventure I have often reflected back on my past relationships to try to understand how he is thinking and what my best course of action might be. I think back to past boyfriends that I have broken up with. How did I feel when I left BF1 for another guy? What was I thinking? Was there anything BF1 could have said or done to make me reconsider? When I got bored with BF2 what could he have done to re-attract me? This is when I see the perfection of Sandi's 37 and other DB techniques.

The truth is that there was nothing they really could have said to make me change my feelings. But actions and new behaviors might have made me think. If BF1 told me "don't call me unless you want to work on our relationship" then I would not call him again. However if he had simply been polite but distant and seemed like he was perfectly happy without me and having a great life I would have been so curious!

Of course this is all mind reading and guessing but it helps me to think of my own past feelings and experiences on the other side of the BD.

I think perhaps I will meet him this one time with an open mind and see if he has anything to say. I sense that he will say something - whether it is only that he feels I don't want to talk to him or to complain that I don't want to be friends. Based on past experiences and his recent whiny text messages I feel he wants have some kind of R talk. This time I plan to listen calmly and say nothing. Later I can reply with my thoughts.

I do agree that I need to make it very clear that if things continue as they are (him having OWs and not trying to work things out with me) that we will no longer be in communication and we will not be friends. Maybe someday but definitely not now. This is my boundary and I will enforce it after hearing what he might have to say. If he has nothing to say then I will go back into the darkness.

The Count from Sesame Street just came to mind. WA HAHAHAHA.

[Vanilla]

Lisa

You can be in communication and friendly if you choose, but not in an R if that is your choice. It's not one or the other.

That is the attitude I take. Talk about ordinary things, friendly like a neighbour but not an R. Not until no EA/PA, gambling or heavy booze will we ever R. No abuse.

I will meet H but won't lunch with him. Tonight I did a chicken stir fry, did he want some? Yes he did. But we did not sit and eat together. Friendlly but not friends.

R talk, no thank you, meet for R talk, no thank you. Go for a drink, date, no thank you.

H if you want to get serious about M then you know the stance, otherwise i am getting on with my life, thank you kindly but no thanks. Have a nice day, good evening, enjoy your life, see you soon.

Vanilla

[gan]

Hey, Lisa. Sorry not to be over this way in a while (been busy dealing with my sitch as you know).

I totally get where you are coming from when you say that it could be useful to meet up to see where your H is at. This would be a bit different to previous meet ups as you've gone something like a month with much less contact than usual. Maybe that has given him something to think about.

All this being said, I do think you need to prepare yourself for an R talk in the event that it comes up. And yes, STFU and listen! If it's clear that he still intends to be with OWs while wanting to be friends with you, then maybe that is the appropriate time to state your boundary.

I always got the impression that that your H talked openly about OWs but then recently you said you got that info by snooping? If it's in the air, then I don't think you should feel bad about stating your boundary. It's not that he can't see OWs, its that you won't be friends with him while he is. It's not that you're jealous, it's that he's being an a$$ and no one wants to be friends with an a$$. Except Winnie the Pooh ;-)