3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

Exactly... What do I want??? I see so much potential in my R with OM. We have soooooo much in common and similar outlooks in life... Past, now and future. He makes me smile and feel good about myself. All my friends have seen the pain and destruction H caused in me, and now seeing me this happy with OM they all keep telling me how they've never seen me like this, how I am a new person and that I glow. That my H's MLC brought the biggest change in my life and it was for the better. To me, everything around me and inside me says pick OM.
But then the dread rises of remembering the good times with H, our 18 years and home together. It would be easier and more practical to stay with him but that doesn't make a relationship. But I don't make enough money to live in my own and to find an apt right now in this neighborhood (where I need to stay since I don't drive) is financially impossible. Hudband is still unemployed so I doubt Id get maintenance awarded. I still consider H my best friend and I do love him. It's not the passionate ecstatic love I have for OM, but then again OM and I are just getting to know each other... We only know the fun and pretty sides of each other. Who knows what will happen once the R becomes a bit settled down.
So yeah, I'm still confused as ever.
I know I need to move out and move on. My brain tells me that readily. It's my heart that is complicating things.