Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HPoirot]

Was just reading very insightful words from Vanilla on another thread. Words from the point of view of the WAW. I've known almost since the beginning of this sitch the importance of accepting my W as she is right now... not to try to change her or challenge her... to somehow validate her as she is without judgement. To validate her feelings and put mine on the shelf.

This is not to offend Vanilla, b/c I have already explained to her that she is not a WAW if she is trying to save her M. She is in a terrible stitch, however, she is the one fighting for it. The type of WAW's we have here are not wanting to keep their H/M. Vanilla wants her M to get better. The WAW's here are not interested in working on the M! That is a major difference in definition. Your W is cut from a different pattern than I see Vanilla. Vanilla, is not in an A or acting wayward. Your W is a wayward W. Therefore, I strongly disagree with accepting her the way she is now. That would be accepting her bad behavior and her A with OM.

What do you mean you can't expect her to make changes? Of course she will have to make changes if you reconcile. It is her choice.

Hello Sandi. Thank you for commenting on my thoughts about how I accept my W. I do want to approach her in the way that works so it's very valuable to me to get this right.

What I got from my readings of DB and the threads here is that, while at best I don't agree with what my W does, I have to hear and accept what she says. To not argue with her feelings... just tell myself that's how you feel and keep moving. So I'm accepting her the way she is feeling now.

As far as the A... I let her know I won't tolerate it and I won't live with her that way. I give her a chance to change as she says she agrees she's done an terrible thing. If she doesn't, I act by removing myself, my money, and my support. So, in that way, I'm not accepting her behavior. I do expect her to make big changes and show that by enforcing my boundaries and staying away from her while she doesn't change. So, somehow, I let her know changes I expect to be with me then walk away and work on my changes while allowing her own decisions to apply pressure for her to change.

That's how I'm seeing it right now. If I should be doing anything different then I would love to know. You know me... from the beginning feeling like I'm not doing enough. I would very much like to do whatever I can for my M.