Doing the limbo thing (thread 7)

[shodan]

After the MC session and a talk we had later that night, I finally believed her that things are done with the OM. She always expressed extreme remorse to me. I thanked her for that and I said that she really has not said it like that before. She was shocked and said "of course I am so sorry for what I did. I feel awful that I hurt you like this. How can you not know that?" I told her that she never really says it to me. I told her that I cannot read her mind.

But, she has not offered full transparency. She does tell me where she is going and checks in more often but we are not at full transparency (namely code to her phone). We talked about it with the MC. My W is harboring extreme issues with my controlling behavior. Frankly, I think a lot of this was in her head and something that she has built up over time. I am not saying that I was perfect but the examples that she gives me of things that I did to control her are total news to me. So for her, having her own phone to which I don't have a code, etc. is a way of pushing back against her control issues. The MC tried to help her see my view, which my W did. But, she also said that she cannot live like a prisoner.

Here is where my W is (based on things that she has said to me):
- she logically wants our M to work
- she emotionally wants our M to work but struggles with her feelings
- she knows that am a good becoming great husband (she has said this to me)
- she loves me
- there is a physical attraction...this past week, for example, she initiated sex with me. She continues to say that sex was never our issue.

so the 2x4s are that she still feels entitled and has not hit rock bottom yet since she will not offer transparency. My assumption is people will say that I need to back off.

The ironic thing is that my "pain" in my chest is worse now than it was when we were DBing. I was detaching from her and trying to get to a point where I did not care what she did. I was GALing more and was in a better emotional spot. Now, we are together, and seemingly very happy. She says nice things to me (etc. tells me I look sexy/hot, tells me that I smell nice, tells me that I am perfect the way that I am, etc.), buys me things, we spend time together, we ML, etc, and yet I feel like my heart is broken even worse. I don't know if the pain is caused by the lack of full transparency OR the A.