I'm new to you, but I have been lurking around your sitch and just today caught up on your history. Your patience and baby steps have taken you a long ways in renewing your M. It was inspiring and giving me hope. My H moved out this past week-end.....30 min away in the city, our home is out in the burbs. Our kids are similiar in age and we will hit the 25 M anniversary this June...UGH, not how I wanted it to be for sure. Anyway, I am much newer at this, have been DRing it since June....we're on good terms, but H needs his space, he says he is "lost". Was wondering if you had a chance, would you visit my post and give some advice. "Being in neutral..." under piecing. This separation thing is so new.
Thanks for letting me steal a moment of your post. You've got great support and advice flowing in!
I sent H an email this morning giving him flight information for a trip I am taking to Florida in April. I am inviting him for 5 days of SUN and FUN. I am going there on business, but am going a few days earlier. I had mentioned it to him before.
His reply: Nice! I wanted to let you know some old bad news or signatures for you will need to close out our past and start new.
I called him and he said that there are some papers I will need to sign for this. I asked what did that mean? He said for the D. (he said D too, not the word). He didn't want me to be caught off guard or to take it as a negitive thing. He said that it might sound silly and maybe it is just a mental thing but he needs to close that part of our life out. I told him that is a big thing. I felt that we could start new without having to go through this. I thought we could just set things aside for a time. When we went on an over night trip right after Thanksgiving, he had the final papers we had signed on the floor of his car. He even asked me why those papers were still there. Implying that they were not being turned in at the moment.
I told him that I don't want this and that we CAN start new without going through this. But if that is what he wants I would not stand in his way. It's just a big thing.
He quickly changed the subject to tell me an update on a house we looked at for him this weekend.
He said he would call me later.
I replyed to his email, asking if we were starting new.
I know the responses will be, "it's just a piece of paper" , "so much can happen" , just because you D doesn't mean you have to give up". It still hurts like HE!!.
Why do they feel they have to go through with the D. What little you have can be torn apart during a D. Sounds like he is an alien and not sure what he wants.
If signing the D helps him, do it. Sometimes we have to go through he// to get to heaven!
I really can't imagine what goes through their minds that they have to go through with a D. All of the so called reasons seem so stupid and ridiculous. The all seem so selfish. I can see how you would feel so good about connecting and then so discouraged with those comments.
Big hugs to you. All you can do is keep being the wonderful person he obviously recognizes that you are. Otherwise he wouldn't be CHOOSING to spend time with YOU.
Water, this sounds so familar with some others here on the board that I can "steal" a response I gave to another a short while ago and paraphrase it slightly to your sitch.
Your H likes the way you are together now! but it appears (as is common) that H still looking for ways to admonish his fears that it could turn bad again. To him those bad times are demons. Demons that continue to haunt him. He still is fighting to be with you, but he has to find a way to exorcise those demons to be gone with them. His solution - Divorce himself from the old M, so he will have a chance at a new M without any possiblity of those old haunts coming back!
Water, keep remaining consistant with the "new" you. Time is the only tool you have to demonstrate to him that the good times are here to stay! When he starts to realize that then those D papers will lose their worth to him.
If he continues to press on moving forward with D, then it's not a matter of whether it is right or wrong ... its a matter of it being a solution he believes will work. If you can buy into this, maybe it might help in guiding your direction and still work towards moving closer together.
I have to agree with KAW. He said it so well. I know it makes no sense to go through with the D, and I was stunned when you posted that. But, maybe that's his only way to let the past go. He's loving the present Water, that's obvious....but this must be his way. What do you do? I don't know, I'm so new at this. KAW makes a great point. Think about it and follow your gut. Just don't forget all you DBing stuff and hang on to it. You are a role model for many of us. Stay strong.
Water, it never ends, does it? Do you think in his heart he really means it is no big deal? If so, and you can trust him, don't sweat it... I agree, it does seem ridiculous, but hasn't this whole journey???
Maybe you could negotiate putting it off, just see how things go...
Hang in there... clearly, he wants to start anew.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I feel your pain. Is it that once you sign the papers, you fear H will then no longer have a reason to stay in contact with you, not have a reason to come back to you? That you feel he will just move on and you will remain friends?
It's a piece of paper, just as a marriage license is a piece of paper to some.
Trust that God has a higher plan for you and that it will be good. "If something is taken away, something better will be given in return"
but it appears (as is common) that H still looking for ways to admonish his fears that it could turn bad again. To him those bad times are demons. Demons that continue to haunt him. He still is fighting to be with you, but he has to find a way to exorcise those demons to be gone with them. His solution - Divorce himself from the old M, so he will have a chance at a new M without any possiblity of those old haunts coming back! 