H did text yesterday asking if he could stop by to get a shovel and some wood because he is going snowboarding today.
I said OK, no problem. Then he after a few minutes he did text asking if he could spend an hour in a house. I said OK, no problem.
It was about 7:30pm he arrived. I was doing some laundry and cooking dinner. He sat with the kids to see some football, then when I showed up he came to talk to me.
He start saying that since I told him on the phone the other day that sometime in the future we will need to talk about his affair so I would have some closure that he would like to answer any question I have. He said that first he did not and does not have an affair (really?).
He also said that never had anything with OW while we were together and he does not know exactly how things are now. I think I put a foot on my mouse. Not so much DBing. I told him I knew she was ..... and that she was the sales manager from France and that he could drop the whole theater.
Yakis! I should have control my words but I was so annoyed with his "I am not guilt buls...t" Then he said that she told him she is not married but live with someone for many years and that they are separated but live together yet. She also have a son 8 years old.
Then he said that she is not the reason of our D. The reason is because I was unhappy and he was also unhappy in our marriage. But I should always remember that he loves me a lot, and maybe I won't ever believe but in his way he will always love me and no one will ever have the same love from him. (yeh, right, I love you so much that's why I don't want even to work in our M, I am checking out).
He asked me what I have been doing and I told him some stuff. H is weird these days. He look at me like he would like to see someone miserable. Then from nowhere he says he always worry about me and he cared deeply for me. Whaaaat?
I told him I have been working with my IC on some of my childhood issues (he knows my issues) and that I am very hopeful to resolve them, with time. And I said I have been learning how to put myself as a priority. I told him I learned I need to be happy for myself, respect my individuality and have became a better person in the process.
At this point dinner was ready. After we ate, he asked me if we could go outside to talk a little. Then he says nothing (as usual, H is very quite always). He keeps looking at me, then I asked him "What's up?" and he says Oh, pink, nothing bad.
Then he says again that he cares deeply about me, that he loves me and he wants me to understand that. I told him I understand and I also understand when he said he does not love me the same way, that he is moving on to be with another person. H seems so mixed up.
I can taste that DBing is somehow working, I notice that he looks at me with admiration. Well, I can't have my hopes high because he did not say anything that would change the situation and the truth is that we will be moving towards the D soon enough.
But here we say do not pay attention to their words but to their actions, and his actions show that he is still with a lot of doubts about our R and it he is doing the right thing.
I keep telling myself I need to detach, but now I can also see that detaching is attracting him. The more independent I become, the more he gets mixed up.
Sorry I wrote so much, but my stomach has that horrible pain again, I feel so tired. It has been 5 months of craziness and the stress is piling up on me.
I need now to prepare for XMas. We will spend almost all day together, let's see what will happen.
