Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[labug]

He had a hissy fit about Christmas Eve because I said I had plans for that evening and didn't want the kids & I to go out to dinner with him because I have plans. He had them for Thanksgiving the whole week, and will have them during the day Christmas Eve because I have to work, and will have them the weekend after Christmas as well. So he's only missing dinner with me that evening. He'll see them a lot. When I said no to dinner he demanded to know what my plans were and that I didn't need to be "so mysterious" -- that I could be specific about what my plans were because he has a right to know where his kids are on Christmas Eve. So I told him. Then he wanted D11 to not participate in my plans and also said he would take the boys away from me on Christmas Day to play the video game he bought them.
I said no, he was NOT to do that because he'd had them for Thanksgiving and Christmas was mine. Then he pitched more of a fit and said that "I know things aren't conducive to things being much of a "family" Christmas right now, but I'm doing everything I can to try to make this one at least as normal for them as it can be, and for it to involve us both equally." (which I notice wasn't at all a concern for him when he excluded me at Thanksgiving.) He also claimed to be the only one trying to make Christmas nice for them at all.

There's a lot of charged language in this. Hissy fit, demanded to know, he would take the boys away, pitched more of a fit. Was it really that charged? Or is that the story you're telling yourself? I don't know that answer, just asking.

So we smoothed that over with some validating and mutual apologies.

So let's put this on the fire and watch it go up in smoke.

Then the next day he asked if I had gotten a separate bank account for my new paycheck and that he had a "right" to know what I'm making and how much is in my bank account because he's treated things as shared and I ought to as well. So I told him my salary, confirmed I have my own account, and told him how much cash was in it. Then I said that if he had anything more to say about the finances we should reserve that for an in-person conversation when the kids weren't present. He answered another element of that email but didn't respond to the finance part, which I took to mean he DOES have more to say about it(mind-reading) but is respecting my request to do that in person.

I had told him before he even moved out that if I got a job I wanted to have my own bank account so that I could feel more like my own person and he'd said he understood that. Given how things are going I do feel very insecure about his intentions and any mention he makes about money exacerbates that.

I think you handled this beautifully and it's another one of those things you can let go of unless or until he brings it up again.

When we make boundaries some people are going to get chafed. It's OK, that's their choice. You're not responsible for his emotions. I know, that's a difficult pill to swallow 'cause it appears you've lived your married life feeling responsible for his emotions.

Looking it over again I can see that maybe he didn't mean for that to be nearly as threatening as it feels to me, because he can't understand that I no longer see him as trustworthy and because I've seen so many examples of SAHM's being left in dire straits.

As I've said to my IC many times, "It is really all about me and my stuff, isn't it?"

I need to be legally separated to address some of that fear. I am afraid that this new H who snaps at me and seems to expect me to be available at his request is going to try to back me into a corner about taking steps to feel more secure. He's going to see it as a personal insult on his integrity. Which I feel he has very little and he has said (even post-BD) that he has lots of integrity and is a very honest person. I guess, in short, that I'm afraid my changes are about to be tested and that even if they stand firm that I will be made to suffer for it in some way.

Wow, where does all that come from?

You're a strong woman, if he does that, you can handle it.

What I would try to avoid is creating a narrative in your mind to which you react. I'm not saying stick your head in the sand and let him run amock but rather be honest about how much of this is him and how much is created by your fears.

You don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've seen it happen here and IRL and that prophecy manifests from our worst fears. What we resist persists, what we focus on grows, the wolf we feed becomes the strongest...

I've been through enough. I'm ready to spend my time on people who are happy that I care about them. People who don't lash out at me because of their own choices.

That will never happen. Becoming a person with strong boundaries involves pushback. Kids, partners, employers, employees, friends will all test us, just as we will test them.

Let them lash, you are teflon.

I hope the Solstice idea was helpful. It's a beautiful thing to realize we are in charge of us.

We can throw off the chains.