Thanks, Maybell. It's important for me to remember that he's giving a lot under the circumstances, because I still get frustrated easily (although I don't usually direct my frustration at him).
It's funny -- as part of a marriage-building exercise we did recently, we had to think of a couple we know who has a worse marriage than us. We (independently) picked the same couple, and we both said that it was hard to think of many people we know have it worse than us right now. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like we are better off than many intact couples -- we're both trying hard to open up, share our feelings, and make changes to give each other a better M.
Recently, a client asked me why I don't wear a wedding ring even though I talk about my husband quite a bit. I told her that it is complicated, we are separated but working on things, and that I still try to speak positively about him to other people. I hadn't even realized that last bit until it came out of my mouth, but I think it's true and I think it's helping me control my negative emotions in a way that is more productive to working on the M.
Sandi, yes, we've been separated for about 6 months now.
Mozza, thank you for your suggestions! H is definitely the master of the "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. That wasn't my intention!" style of apology. I'm not sure what my typical apology style is, but I'm trying some new things and I'll keep what you said in mind. I think feedback from H is critical, but that won't happen until he's willing to discuss the things he's still holding onto.
Did you know that the 5LL author has a similar book for apology languages? I did the online quiz and it seems that I definitely need the person to take responsibility and offer to make amends -- neither of which my H does naturally, but he was willing to role-play it with me the other night, which is nice.
