I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[Vanilla]

Vanilla,

So, I read through your posting from yesterday and learned a few things.

3) That gets me disappointed and having doubts in being hopeful, especially since she says she had EA's before in our M. This one's been going on for over a year, I guess the other ones were a while ago; I didn't realize them at the time.

When W talked to me about OM and the EA; I validated and reminded her of our friend's comment to me and said that this can happen to most people. My W's response was, "Well yeah, but MCS and friend never took it anywhere" Not the exact quote, but it was weird because it almost seemed like she was trying to be self deprecating on her own actions.

MCS, please don't validate an EA or a PA. Poor behaviour and boundary infringements are enforced instead. "W it is inappropriate for you to be engaging in a PA, and if we have issues then we need to be helped with this" wording needs help.....
In the same way I STFU on the abusive language and then correct boundary infringement. If H has a valid point and it's put across in a non abusive way then I validate and even apologise. I did that today.

However, I do look back at the times she said she had EA's and they were in times that we were having stresses, not M but life. I'm wondering if this is systemic and I just didn't see it. W may have felt for a while she couldn't emotionally connect with me to the level she needed me to.

EAs are inappropriate at any time! MCS all we can do is create an environment in which it is possible for connection, we can't insist on it!

4) I understand there is no excuse for waywardness, nor is there any excuse (besides abuse) for a spouse to up and leave the M and furthermore the kids without trying to work things out. However, W has done that; there's nothing I can do about that.

agreed

I don't blame myself for that.

It's perfectly good I think to see how we contribute to that and blame isn't helpful. It's all done with, all we can do is deal with today.

However, 25years said something a bit ago on a thread "A WAS never goes back to the M that they left."

I read the same thing, but interpreted it differently. I read it to mean that a WAS would not want to go back to an M in which they were uncomfortable. This is a different interpretation. I saw this as a positive as the LBS would want a different M anyway. However we can ask 25 what he meant.


That resonated for me, because while I believe (myself) the waywardness caused her to leave w/o working on the M in hopes to capture OM; I've been struggling to identify what I needed to change to show her that our M would be different.

I think you just did!

5) Went out to dinner with one of my good friends tonight. Anyway, we were talking about the sitch and he said to me. "I can't believe that W doesn't see the changes in MCS.

She will, just about everyone will tell her. If you can manage the judgement issue and replace that with detachment then that is a real biggie. Trust me it will give you a lot of peace. I have had to learn to deal with my H in this way, not judge that which he does but learn to manage the boundary on it.

"MCS has done a total 180, not that there was anything wrong with MCS to begin with, but its amazing what MCS has done over the last couple months."

This is a wonderful gift of friendship and validation, someone you can ask about previous issues.

He didn't go into specifics, but it actually troubled me a little bit, because I don't feel like I've changed that much and if I did I'm still not quite sure what was wrong with me to begin with.

Frankly if it has changed and the past is unchangeable, let go of it, acknowledge and live in today. Make the insights work for you today. You can always ask.


I mean, I'm much more in touch with my religion than I was; but I feel like the same person, values, views, etc. I guess I have re-prioritized my life and the biggest thing is that I'm much more empathetic and talk about my emotions. I don't know, he used the term "180" which got me thinking DB; so it made me be a little introspective.

yes, MCS from my perspective, vast changes, mainly openness and that sense of humour has developed. MCS is an insightful and thoughtful man. These tools will help MCS be an even better dad.

I guess, he was saying in a round about way, "MCS is becoming a man that only a fool would leave" I guess I'll end on that tonight.

Yes absolutely.

Still work to be done.
A lifelong process for every human. thank goodness!

I am glad we are good on this.
Peace
Vanilla