Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

Interesting day.

Rando musings/journaling:
Talked to H. He said he wanted to open the door to conversing more, but had been afraid to do so in the past two weeks that he's been trying to talk. Primarily out of "fear" (his words, not mine) as he said his behavior towards me has been pretty bad and he doesn't have his anger completely under control and doesn't want to put me in a "emotionally abusive situation." Said that he was upset at how he had been acting. Then said he would text me later this evening to "talk" about random things. I knew by the way he had worded it that he would back out and he did. But, at least he texted me to let me know he was flaking out, instead of going silent like he normally does. Said he wants to talk on the phone on his lunch break tomorrow. I doubt that it will happen, as he's promised to "call me on his lunch break" for the last week. I don't know why he feels the need to call, as it clearly makes him uncomfortable but hesitate to suggest just talking via text. So I'm just going to sit back, have no expectations and stfu. He did say that he felt conversing more would help him learn to communicate about both positive and negative things and while he felt it would have to be taken day by day, he wanted to try it. I've decided this week I'll let him initiate any convos he might have and bite me tongue off if I have to. I don't plan on initiating anything except to wish him a merry Christmas before I go out of cell service range and let him know he has a pile of mail and a check at the house that he is free to pick up while I'm out of town.

I did a successful 180 today. Too bad it wasn't with my H.

My dad called me today. For those of you who may not be as familiar with my sitch: my dad is bi-polar, cheated on my mom, was in and out of my life for years, isn't always med compliant and in 2012 was a really big pain in my ass. I had to legally become medical power of attorney of his father (my grandfather) because of my dad's illness and I've spent the past two years being annoyed by the responsibilities and resentful of the situation I was put in.

So. Back to the convo. We hadn't talked since before the BD. I told him what was going on and prepared myself for what I thought was going to be a "stand by your man, he's obviously having some problems, he's depressed and can't help it speech." What I got was the opposite. My dad had total empathy for my situation and told me to let my H hit rock bottom. Said H will never be able to take care if himself, be a functional adult or deal with any problems he might have if someone is always trying to fix him. He said to pull back and let him figure it out. Told me common things that H might say to be blowing smoke up my ass (he nailed like two or three of them). Gave me suggestions on some books to read, some things to look out for, and told me to prepare my self, that while his parents were financially supporting him, H would probably not make any progress because his mother would have control over him (poor H and all the controlling women in his life) and make directly/indirectly influence him. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I was thinking about things. He felt that I should move on, but understood why I might want to stay. He encouraged me, should we start piecing to find a good MC, because it was his experiences that MC's can hurt more than help.

He then told me he was impressed with my strength not only in dealing with my H but with the responsibilities of "caring" for my grandfather. He said that he was glad that I ended up being the one responsible because I had the strength, the resources, the patience (hahaha) to deal with it, "much better than he could." And then, HE THANKED ME. *insert jaw on the ground and me checking my phone multiple times to ensure that I was, in fact, talking to my Dad.* While I didn't thank him for acknowledging it, I told him in a non passive aggressive way (which is a 180 for me) that I was just doing what needed to be done. We winded the conversation down and he told me that he wanted to support me through this, as he could offer a different perspective, and he wanted to be there for me. His exact quote? "I couldn't buy you the pony you wanted when you were growing up, but I can support you, as much as you will let me, during this tough time." He then asked me if I remembered the pony situation, I said yes. (juicy drama, while dad was off meds and in a manic stage, he tried to buy me a pony after being AWOL for about a year. He told me to write out a check (I was seven at the time) to myself for how much I thought it would cost. I wrote 50,000. And signed his name. He later told my mom during a heated argument about not buying the pony, that I was trying to embezzle money from him and he had proof of a forged check. Yay manic phases!) he had a completely different version of the story, his truth. Normally I would've said, "yeahhhh about that - not the way it happened and would listed out a,b,c,d). Instead I remembered reading what LAbugs said to me and just kept my mouth shut (oh haiiii there 180) and followed up with, "I remember."

The conversation blew me away on multiple levels today. My dad showed a genuine concern for my well being, like he might actually love me. He wanted to be involved and this is not the first time he's asked to be involved in my life lately, so there might be some genuineness to his words. My dad never apologizes, so I was floored when he not only acknowledged that I was handling what he should've been doing for his dad, he thanked me for it. And you know what? Just with that conversation? I feel resentment being lifted. I feel less angry. All I wanted was to be acknowledged, and I got it. And I shut my mouth and didn't let my every thought pass my lips.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the next convo. But all and all it felt pretty good.