Hey Card. I wanted to talk with you about a few things.
The first is that I get why you feel as you do about yourself. The person you loved and trusted most in the world, doesnt want to be with you at this time.
The thing about that is this. Our worth should not come from others. We get to define it. Now thats not to say that others feelings towards us dont matter. They do.
My mother was an alcoholic. I couldnt do anything right in her eyes. I tried my whole life to get her to like me.
I married a man who was controlling and condescending.
I allowed both of them to make me feel less than.
I realized that they were the mirrors I used to reflect back what they saw about me.
The thing is that they were both broken. So what was reflected back, wasnt true.
So, I needed to get new mirrors. As I grew, I watched how people responded to me.
I watched how people were around me.
I realized that my mother and my xh were wrong about me. So, I continued to look inside. I became the person I wanted to be.
When I did, I realized that I was worthy. I was enough.
I learned that what other people reflecte back was important, the most important mirror was the one I looked into. I had to determine my worth. I had to base it on who I had become. Was I a good person, a kind one. How did I live my life?
Because if we allow others to define us..we give them all the power. They dont get to have it. It's ours.
Be the person you choose to be. Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont. But that should always be the goal.
The other thing is that we have no idea what the future holds. None. Anythiing could happen. You never would have forseen this, right?
That's just defeating thinking.
About hope. When you are ready, you have to start living your life. I mean really living it. Fill it up. Fill it with people and things and memories. Fill it with trying new stuff.
As you do, you start to realize that you are ok. When that happens, you can make a decision, if you want to, of leaving the door open a crack. So that if she looks to you, you make a decision about what you want from a place of strength.
Thats what I mean by having hope, but, not living in it.
About being there for her. I know that you worry that since you werent there for her the last few years, that you need to show her you are now.
I feel this way. She is telling you she doesnt want to be married. She needs you to hear that. You dont have to like it. But you do have to hear it.
You can be kind and compassionate without pursuing. You also need to have her live in the natural consequences of her actions. That doesnt mean you cause that, just that you allow it to unfold.
I know you are concerned about her. But maybe she doesnt get the help she needs because she gets it from you.
When I was depressed, as long as I had someone listen to me, I didnt really need to do the work. I poured my stuff out. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then I was good for a bit.
This doesnt mean you should be nasty. You should be the kind of person you want to be.
It doesnt mean you play games either. I hate games.
It just means that you fill up and live your life. So that you arent always around whenever she wants to dump on you. Because you are too busy living your life, ya know?
If she reached out and you want to answer, listen, say sorry you are feeling this way and on your way you go.
